Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

Like the film in my subject heading, Paper Cat's previous post was indeed nightmarish--nightmarific--nightmaricrazy.

I just saw A History of Violence (2005), which was very good. When asked to describe it, I said, "It's like Ordinary People (1980) meets The Killer (1989)."

That gave me the idea for a new game: let's call it MEAT. The object is to describe a film by comparing it to two previous films. Ideally the best answers combine two films that seem very different from each other, but somehow result in a very good description of the movie (like the example above -- allow Holly to pet herself on the back, and to eat a can of Vienna sausages thank you very much ...). Also, if film just doesn't cut it, then you can make reference to other comparisons, like Babe (1995) is Animal Farm (1954) meets Teddy Ruxpin.

So, I'll try five of these:

1) Taxi Driver (1976):
--Marty (1954) meets The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
2) The Constant Gardner (2005):
--The Interpreter (2005) meets Batman Begins (2005)
3) Faces of Death (1978):
--Basket Case (1982) meets every boy I knew in Junior High
4) The Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers (2002):
--Willow (1988) meets a big steaming pile of horseshit (2005)
5) Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003):
--Soldier (1998) meets The Blues Brothers (1980)

Have fun. I'm thinking about planning a 50s comedy-duo night. First up: Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man (1951). Any of y'all wanna come over?

Nightmare on my street

What a nightmare I had! I was the Emperor of The World--a typical dream. Things were going well. Hipsterdom reigned supreme, the lovely sounds of The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes filled the radio waves, and I was diggin' it. Yeah! But then things took a turn. Someone came along and combed my carefully dishevled hair. I was powerless (I think there might be biblical symbolism somewhere here). Then, I got a parking ticket; sovereign immunity right sent right out the tailpipe likea puff of noxious fumes.



Then I had to watch 10 hours of G.G. Allin videos, held in front of a screen by some unseen and unnamed force. This was not a good dream. I was totally flustered when I finally woke up. That made it hard to review the newest Devendra Banhart album for a local weekly music rag. I couldn't stop wishing he still sounded like he did when I was young...like last year. I know that some people don't consider that a valid way of looking at things. But I think those people need to get with the program, so to speak. Like there is any other way of looking at things!

Next post: why Sweden is the best country on the planet, relatively speaking, and whether sliced franks really belong in spaghetti-o's.

Love Sick

Lately, it seems as if all of Holly's hip friends have been falling in love and getting married. Seriously. I'm not saying this out of jealousy or spite. I'm quite proud of all my friends; that they were able to find the right person, fall in love, and take that next giant leap into adulthood.

What concerns me most is that my people are passing me by. What happened to the days of jaded hipster love? Remember, back in the day, when Douglas Coupland's novel Generation X (1991) came out? In it, a character says, "Don't worry, Mother ... If the marriage doesn't work out, we can always get divorced." For many of my (younger) friends today, divorce is simply not an option. It's as if they are all reading a Bible other than the Hipster Bible, aka The Hipster Handbook (1996) by Robert Lanham/God.

Holly has a sweet tooth, and thinks it's sweet when her friends get married. But enough's enough. Admittedly, Holly is a tradionalist. Therefore, Holly doesn't want to hear any more Belle and Sebastian, Joanne Newsom or Sufjan Stevens songs during the processional. Whatever happened to Bach, Chopin or "Here, There and Everywhere"? ... and no more ironic first dance songs like Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" (1980) or Talk Talk's "It's My Life" (1984). Lastly, the bride and groom's Vespa with the recycled coffee cups dragging off the rear fender on the way to the reception ... lame-o. What happened to that ol skool feminist dismissal of weddings because they were ceremonies purposefully constructed by grubby capitalists to reinforce the power of the patriarchy (thereby giving value to what was once meaningless fornication)? Oh well ... all good things must come to an end, I suppose.

So where's my love? It didn't work out with Ann Coulter, who, according to googlism.com, is "our first choice for maximum penetration and performance." You would think somebody would wanna be all up in a lady who is a hot amateur model into voyeurism and has a voice like snow. Speaking of which, the Pipe Bomb Cigarettes are flourishing. Holly just finished writing a song called "Bono Gets Emotional for Me and You." True, ain't it?

Gizzogle pt. II

Thanks to a certain website called www.googlism.com, I have learned quite a few things about Holly today:

holly is very susceptible to fungus stains

holly is a hot amateur adult model who enjoys voyeurism

holly is believed to frighten off witches and protect the home from thunder and lightning

holly is a goddess with a voice like snow

And Holly, as a message to you (Rudy), I want you to stop your messing around and think of your future. Get a job. Googlisms has some advice for that perennial interview question: "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"

holly is a broadleaf evergreen

holly is a tree of many surprises

You can only imagine what googlism has to say about our friend Ann Coulter. Well, don't wonder too long. Follow this link.

A call to all photoshoppers

Introducing the newest Blues Brother: "W". "W", of course, is the President of the United States of Amerikkka. What's intersting is that he told Palestinian and Egyptian officials that he invaded Iraq (or I should say, he sent the children of low-income familes to invade Iraq) because "I'm driven with a mission from god." This reminded me that Turtledaub isn't the only person I know who wears a black suit, black tie and black hat all the time. The Blues Brothers (1980) featured characters "Joliet" Jake and Elwood Blues, dressed like Turtledaub, on a "mission from god".

Can we can any photoshoppers on this STAT?

And this also gives me the chance to shout out to Blues Brothers director John Landis, who also gave us 1980s classics like Trading Places (1983) and ¡Three Amigos! (1986). And that isn't even mentioning Kentucky Fried Movie (1977), which I'm sure is a favorite of one Holly Go-Heavily.

The Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place

According to Wednesday's Child, and some new-fangled technology called Site Meter, she learned the following bit of information:

Folks, this is the whole reason I put a Site Meter up on my blog:It enabled me to see that someone out there did a Yahoo search for 'Dogs with explosive diarrhea' and found my blog. Sweet, sweet fate, how I love thee.

But it turns out that a rash of recent natural disasters might be leading indicators suggesting a different type of fate ... for us all:

http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=46737

Simply put, you cannot argue with that logic. Why does He send these messages to Pat Robertson first? It's as if He is on a mission for Us, to "start a whole new era." Who knew that He was a rapper from the streets?

In lighter news (forgive the foreshadowy pun), I am pleased to report that our blog is the only site that comes up when doing an exact phrase search for the Pipe Bomb Cigarettes. That's right! The band name is all mine!

Sorry to disappoint those of you who, after reading through my thorough baseball predictions, thought this blog would be devoted to relationships vis-a-vis the hipster. My mope-y boy Turtledaub just ended a six-month romance with a woman who cheated on him. Not wishing to re-open old wounds, I decided to put that off until the next entry. Get better soon, Turtledaub. The next round's on Possible Elitists!

The Mt. Everest of trucking

I want to talk about something that isn't often talked about. Something nobody wants to talk about. But it's something that needs to be said. I want to talk about truckers who drive over frozen lakes in northern Canada to deliver mining equipment needed to extract uranium yellowcake so that countries like the USA can build nuclear bombs. According to The History Channel, this is "the Mt. Everest of trucking." I suggest applying for a job there immediately.

I think I'll give it a try. It may mean giving up my dream home, but it should be worth it for the trucker hats alone. Think of it! I will be so far past hipster irony when I'm actually becoming a trucker for the sake of wearing the hats without irony. That's meta-irony for you.

I'm Ready to Play

As you all know by now, Holly is a giant slut for Major League Baseball. Well, it's time for Holly to dole out the post-season Awards:

American League
MVP:
1. Alex Rodriguez, 3B, New York Yankees
--(48 HR, 130 RBI, .322 BA) Not only does he produce big numbers and big hits for the underachieving New York Yankees, he actually plays in the field, and gold-glove quality at that! Take that David Ortiz.
2. David Ortiz, DH, Boston Red Sox
--(47 HR, 148 RBI, .300 BA) Easily the best clutch hitter of the last five years. He's actually had bigger numbers than the "best player" on the Sox, Manny Ramirez, over the past two seasons.
3. Manny Ramirez, OF, Boston Red Sox
--(45 HR, 144 RBI, .292 BA) Every year, Manny is an RBI machine. This year, his batting average was down, but he was clutch during the last week of the season. Ortiz and Ramirez might cancel each other out in the MVP voting. That's why I'm sticking by A-Rod.

Cy Young
1.Mariano Rivera, New York Yankees
--(7-4, 1.38 ERA, 80 Ks, 43 saves) The anchor of a questionable New York Yankees pitching staff, Rivera, once again, shows why he's a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame.
2.Randy Johnson, New York Yankees
--(17-8, 3.79 ERA, 211 Ks) You're probably thinking I'm a Yankees fan. I'm not. St. Louis Cardinals, baby. But Johnson picked it up when it mattered. He also ended up second in the AL in strikeouts and fourth in wins.

Rookie of the Year
Who cares? Ever since Ichiro and Albert Pujols won the award in 2001, this has been a dud category. Worthy of consideration: Huston Street (P, Oakland Athletics), Robinson Cano (2B, New York Yankees), Johnny Gomes (OF, Tampa Bay Devil Rays).

National League
MVP:
1.Andruw Jones, OF, Atlanta Braves
--(51 HR, 128 RBI, .262 BA) Not only is he the best outfielder in the game, he carried the young Braves team through the summer months when Chipper Jones was injured. The first man with 50 homers since A-Rod and Jim Thome in 2002, the only thing that might keep him from winning the award is the low batting average and the next guy on the list ...
2.Albert Pujols, 1B, St. Louis Cardinals
--(41 HR, 117 RBI, .330 BA) Pujols is the best player on the best team in baseball. And once again, it looks like he won't win the MVP award. Just think, this is a typical year for Pujols ... except, this year, he decided to add speed to his game (he stole 16 bases, doubling his career total) and actually play gold-glove-caliber defense. But the best defensive first-baseman, who actually had better stats this year, was the next guy on the list ...
3.Derek Lee, 1B, Chicago Cubs
--(46 HR, 107 RBI, .335 BA) Lee lead the majors in batting average, producing career high numbers in every major category. Too bad he played for the limp Chicago Cubs.

Cy Young:
1.Chris Carpenter, St. Louis Cardinals

--(21-5, 2.83 ERA, 213 Ks) The best pitcher on the best pitching staff in baseball (see comments for Pujols). Sure, he slipped a little at the end of the year, but so what. This breakthrough season by Carpenter should be rewarded.
2.Dontrelle Willis, Florida Marlins
--(22-10, 2.63 ERA, 170Ks) Willis also had a breakthrough season, and was tough down the stretch. He might get some extra votes because of his hitting ... but this award is not about hitting, is it? Both of these picks owe apologies to the future Hall of Famer Roger Clemens, who, at the age of 43, posted a career low ERA, but got no run support from the Astros all season.

Rookie of the Year:
Who cares? Up for considertion: the clutch-power hitting of Ryan Howard (1B, Philadelphia Phillies). Jeff Francoeur will also be mentioned, but he faded near the end of the season.

Other Awards:
Steroid Infraction of the Year Award: Ryan Franklin, and, oh yeah, Rafael Palmeiro
The Adrian Beltre Award (for freakishly great year that will never be repeated): Brian Roberts
Who's Really, Still, the Greatest Player in the Game (aka the "Way Past Their Prime Award"): Greg Maddux

Holly's seriously flawed post-season predictions:
St. Louis vs. San Diego: St. Louis
Houston vs. Atlanta: Atlanta
New York vs. Los Angeles Angels: Los Angeles
Chicago White Sox vs. Boston: Chicago

Therefore:
St. Louis vs. Atlanta: St. Louis
Chicago vs. Los Angeles: Chicago

Which means:
St. Louis sweeps the World Series, avenging last years loss by the Boston Red Sox, while the White Sox continue their 1221412346 year World Series title drought.

I promise, folks. Holly's next blog post will return to a topic held dear by all hipsters: relationships.