Hoist the flag

It's time to discuss the relative merits of the Black Flag back catalog. It's also a chance to start a new chain e-mail! Be sure to cut and paste it into an e-mail to everyone you know. Or else, of course, you'll get the curse:

1. Who was their best vocalist?
2. What was their best full-length or EP?
3. What's your favorite release?
4. Does anyone care what Henry Rollins has to say about anything?
5. Can Black Flag even remotely compare to the Pipe Bomb Cigarettes?
6. What did or would your parents think about you listening to Black Flag as a kid?
7. Best Blag Flag member side project, spin-off, or band that supplied a Flag member?
8. Biggest douchebag in the band?
9. Best Flag song to fuck to?
10.Just how cool a name is Robo anyway?
11.Could Black Flag have beaten Prince & The Revolution in a basketball game in 1984?


Here are my answers:
1. Hank
2. Damaged
3. My War
4. Yes.
5. No.
6. Horror. Disgust.
7. Descendents
8. so many, many choices.
9. "Revenge" from Jealous Again, but only because it's under a minute long.
10.sorta nifty.
11.Oh hell no. Dudes can ball, man.

21 Questions

The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes are recording their third album, A Tree Falls in the Forest, and are looking for lyrics. The gimmick is that they already have song titles -- all "inspired" by the 50 Cent song "21 Questions" (2003). So, here they are:

1. "Do You Think About Other Women Now that I Have a Malignant Tumor?"
2. "How Can I Get a Job as the Person that Gives Porno Films Their Names?"
3. "Has Anybody Heard the New Scott Stapp Album?"
4. "Why are You the Dumbest Douche this Side of Duluth?"
5. "Is that a Mirror in Your Pants?"
6. "Where's the Beef-Flavored Manischewitz?"
7. "How Do You Get a Donkey to Talk When Its Tongue is Halfway Up Your Ass?"
8. "If the Pipe Bomb Cigarettes' New Album, A Tree Falls in the Forest, Was Leaked onto the Internet, Would Anybody Hear It?"
9. "Doesn't this Song Remind You of 'Damaged I'?"
10. "If You Look Up the Word 'definition' in the Dictionary, What Does It Say?"
11. "Did the Drugs My Parents Took in College Have Something to Do with My Lousy Personality?"
12. "If the Sky was Made of Kites, Would We All Be Strings?"
13. "When Was the Last Time You Treated Me Right?"
14. "Where Were You On the Night of Natalee Holloway's Disappearance?"
15. "Who Was the First Person to Use a Tape Dispenser as a Sex Toy?"
16. "Can I Speak with Mr. Pippi Bomb Cigarettees?"
17. "Are You 18?"
18. "You Haven't Heard Funeral by Arcade Fire Yet?"
19. "Where Have You Been?"
20. "Do I Snore When I Drive?"
21. "Is this Fucking Album Over Yet?"

Post your lyrics in the comments. The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes are hereby granted all copyright permission and all the royalities will go to "us," forthwith. Whatever that all means.

Baby, We're Never Gonna Survive Unless We Get a Little Crazy

Thanks, P. Kitty. Now that I'm a certified machinist, I'm reminded of all those great, sleepless nights, working on PEHOCAC, getting pissy because I was trying to disavow my failures in all those Miss Husky pageants by adopting the metabolism of a Des Moines, Iowa crystal meth addict. Greater Hartford ... ha. More like Lesser Hartford if you ask me.

Current events time:
I'm beginning to think that Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park, are on the exact same wavelength as yours truly. They "blame" Canada. According to the Independent, the Canadians are at it again. Not only did they beat us at baseball, now they're going clubbing ... for baby seals that is.

I never thought I'd say this, but maybe the Canadians are right. Sure, baby seals are cute. But boy are they mean. They always leave the toilet seat up. They never return phone calls. If you ever have sex with one of them, they are completely selfish and you'll never hear from them again. They'll burn you, and yes, that is a double entendre. If they have children that they actually parent, they chose favorites. "Oh yeah, Sarah's the bright one. Johnny's a dunderheaded fool. He'll probably grow up to be a pot dealer." Not only that, but I think baby seals were co-conspirators in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. You realize how crazy this is right? Who in their right mind would club one of these cute critters to death? "Blame Canada."

Also, if you've been following the story, Parker and Stone have gotten themselves in trouble with the Scientologists. I don't know where this will go yet, but Turtledaub and I were convinced by a very charismatic Scientologist that being a "hipster" was hazardous to our health. So we decided to take classes to rid us of our hipster ways. I started wearing Donna Karan and Turtledaub was listening to Paris Hilton and refrained from making ironic comments. Then we ran out of money for the classes because my machinist coursework was over (I did get my certificate, folks) and my stipend was suspended. Apparently our tone scales were below zero so we needed lots of help. Wow, what're the fucking odds? Needless to say, we've relapsed, thanks to a compelling argument on a recent episode of South Park which mocks L. Ron Hubbard's theology (and the sexuality of Tom Cruise).

Memories

All the reminiscing on the blog of late has gotten me think back to my days as a DOJ prosecutor (read my personal profile). I know that legal issues can get as dry as a mormon saloon, but sometimes it's still worth reminding lawyers what a bunch of nitwits they are. Frankly, some of them are no better than Adam Sandler's Billy Madison character.

Congratulations Holly

I would like to offer my sincere congratulations to Holly, who today became an ASE-certified machinist. Her years or hard work have paid off. Some people might say it's a second prize, after she failed to make the top three in any of the 1986-1998 greater Hartford "Miss Husky" pageants. But I'm not one of those people. I think this is an achievement unto itself. Just like Wade Boggs entering the baseball hall of fame.

And it also reminds me of some great Possible Elitists High on Coffee and Cloves moments from the last year, like when Holly introduced the world to MEAT. I think there were some readers who thought she was pandering to her audience on the same scale as when the Cosby show introduced little Olivia to bolster ratings in season six. Again, I'm not one of those critics. Because it was only two episodes later that Vanessa went to a party with Denise and got drunk. And, likewise, only two posts after introducing MEAT, Holly bravely went on record to point out how Gus Van Sant's career has now entered the toilet zone.

Rocks Off

In years past, I've been generally disappointed with the Academy Awards' selections. But this year, I've turned a new, PaperCat-ian leaf, and now have major disdain for the show ... which is nothing more than the Grammys of film. I'm sure you would all agree with me that I should be a gambler. I got all the major categories right ... hey, the supporting role ones don't really count, do they? And why didn't Asia Argento win? I just don't get it. I should've taken the Bard's advice and drank some PBR to make all the bullshit go down easier. That reminds me of the lesbian dates I went on with Ann Coulter. Those encounters are the basis for Lightning Bolt's Hypermagic Mountain -- ___ bless their souls.

In the meantime, I'll give a shoutout to Mick Taylor ... the best non-Keef guitarist the Stones ever had. Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out (1970). Sticky Fingers (1971). Exile on Main Street (1972). Need I say more? The Cat prefers Brian Jones just because he looks like Rodney Bingenheimer. Your loss. Look at the picture below.

Yeah. Now Holly is leaving to bombproof her horse.