PBR ME ASAP

The Academy Awards(R) are something best approached with some idiot juice in hand, and some more in your belly.



An Oscar(R) is something...Martin Scorsese...will...never...win. They hand them out to people who play by Hollywood's rules. Clint Eastwood is the status quo. He's a traditionalist and a conservative filmmaker. Of course, giving Eastwood's film the "Best Picture" award deflated the irony laced through the applause for Marlon Brando during the regular run-down of celebrities who died in 2004. Scorsese has made good films, recently even. Holly, I know you might disagree, but I think that The Age of Innocence (1993) and Bringing Out the Dead (1999) are both quality films--especially the parts of Bringing Out the Dead that remind me of Sommarlek [Summer Interlude] (1950). The Aviator (2004) was consistent. Consistently mediocre. Cate Blanchett? That was some of the worst acting I've ever seen from her; she's usually great. So of course she "got nominated" for Aviator. It seems to be about keeping standards low. Holly, what would the "Best Actress" award mean today if Falconetti had one? Gangs of New York (2002) was a fantastic idea, and just as ambitious. Except for Daniel Day-Lewis, the film was a meandering, inconsistent mess. And could we forget Scorsese's remake of Cape Fear (1991)? I CANNOT. At least, I won't. What does dude need an award for anyway? I was surprised he could even find the time to show up at that ceremony the other night, seeing as he is scheduled to appear in every film history documentary for the next, oh, five to six years.

Hitchcock had to be nominated for best director at least five times. I believe you're right that he never won though. Kubrick probably never deserved to win...(drop jaw here). What I care about is how America's greatest directors never won awards. Nothing for Orson Welles, John Cassavetes (OMG, someone on "Gilmore Girls" just referenced A Woman Under the Influence (1974) as "the story of her life"!), Nicholas Ray, Harmony Korine. I guess I can appreciate that Hollywood's self-congratulatory pat on the back--that we call the Oscars(R)--would carefully brush aside non-Americans. I mean, those "foreign" directors can only hope to get an honorary award, unless they content themselves with those genius-type awards.

The bottom line is that people are still making great movies, whether they get awards for them or not. Can I make a gratuitous plug for Cory McAbee's The American Astronaut (2001) here? I guess I already did. Anyway, it's the kind of movie that could save Wes Anderson's career from turning into Georgia O'Keefe's. Wait, maybe Wes Anderson would be good at painting vaginas over and over again.

Moving along, I found your time machine inquiry a bit chilling. Fortunately, with my scarf, I think I can get to the bottom of it. You're asking me if The Marvelettes would have been better off recording "Please Mr. mailerdaemon" instead of "Please Mr. Postman". Probably not. Although, I certainly would rather hear Otis Redding or The Kinks sing me a song about how I could write the best-ever CraigsList personal ad than Ashlee Simpson (sorry boo, still luv ya!). I would be willing to go on record that Ash could send a response to my ad. I'm torn here Holly. Help!