Baby, We're Never Gonna Survive Unless We Get a Little Crazy

Thanks, P. Kitty. Now that I'm a certified machinist, I'm reminded of all those great, sleepless nights, working on PEHOCAC, getting pissy because I was trying to disavow my failures in all those Miss Husky pageants by adopting the metabolism of a Des Moines, Iowa crystal meth addict. Greater Hartford ... ha. More like Lesser Hartford if you ask me.

Current events time:
I'm beginning to think that Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park, are on the exact same wavelength as yours truly. They "blame" Canada. According to the Independent, the Canadians are at it again. Not only did they beat us at baseball, now they're going clubbing ... for baby seals that is.

I never thought I'd say this, but maybe the Canadians are right. Sure, baby seals are cute. But boy are they mean. They always leave the toilet seat up. They never return phone calls. If you ever have sex with one of them, they are completely selfish and you'll never hear from them again. They'll burn you, and yes, that is a double entendre. If they have children that they actually parent, they chose favorites. "Oh yeah, Sarah's the bright one. Johnny's a dunderheaded fool. He'll probably grow up to be a pot dealer." Not only that, but I think baby seals were co-conspirators in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. You realize how crazy this is right? Who in their right mind would club one of these cute critters to death? "Blame Canada."

Also, if you've been following the story, Parker and Stone have gotten themselves in trouble with the Scientologists. I don't know where this will go yet, but Turtledaub and I were convinced by a very charismatic Scientologist that being a "hipster" was hazardous to our health. So we decided to take classes to rid us of our hipster ways. I started wearing Donna Karan and Turtledaub was listening to Paris Hilton and refrained from making ironic comments. Then we ran out of money for the classes because my machinist coursework was over (I did get my certificate, folks) and my stipend was suspended. Apparently our tone scales were below zero so we needed lots of help. Wow, what're the fucking odds? Needless to say, we've relapsed, thanks to a compelling argument on a recent episode of South Park which mocks L. Ron Hubbard's theology (and the sexuality of Tom Cruise).