Nuthin' but a "G"(oth) Thang

We here at PEHOCAC don't pay nearly enough attention to the greatest sub-set of hipster culture: the goths. Their Christ-like mission to take on all our suffering should be highly commended. They got a bad rap after the Columbine High massacre seven years ago, which was totally underserved. Also, many of their living heroes--Robert Smith, Peter Murphy and Siouxsie Sioux, just to name a few--have not aged well. Petey Boy can't do that deltoid stretch like he used to, and Bobby, you're not fooling anybody with that "Robert Smith wig."



But not to worry. The goths are well-represented today. Even if Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson are way past their prime, we have the slight mainstreaming of goth to behold in the films of the Wachowski Brothers and the "burlesque" shows of the Suicide Girls, who prove that the only difference between goth exhibitionists and their airbrushed Playboy counterparts is that they prefer tattoos and piercings to "guys who bungee jump."

Despite my snide commentary in that last sentence, so what if goth kids are "into their appearance" and kind of shallow. Who isn't? The next time you're with your hipster friends and make some sorta hilarious reference to the superhuman strength of Chuck Norris, who in your heart of hearts you know isn't worth the humor you create at his expense (seriously folks, the Chuck Norris thing is so three-months ago), tell me you're not. If it wasn't for goth kids, I wouldn't be here today, blogging my way to mediocrity (though I see nothing but bright lights ahead in the field of instant replay officiating for P. Kitty). By embracing the things that scare most people--death, pain, darkness, the Damned's music after 1980--and with a theatricality that calls attention our very human need to express ourselves in the way we dress ourselves (oh yeah, rhyme pays, baby), I salute the Gothic Kids (and, in some instances, Parents) of the World.

Now I'll turn out the lights, light one solitary white candle, and listen to "The Eternal" by Joy Division. "Procession moves on / the shouting is over ... "

[now playing on the PEHOCAC groovebox: Maria Kleigel/J.S. Bach, "Suite No. 1 in G major, BMV 1007: Gigue" (2005)]

The people/s style guide

In order to set the record straight, PEHOCAC is proud to release it's official style guide. It//s appropriately titled, "The People's Style Guide For Modern Hipsters and Asscoiated Lesser Beings, First Edition." And it's edited by none other than Holly Go-Heavily and The Paper Cat, a/k/a P-Kitty. Copies are available for the reasonable price-in-trade of one 1978 Chevrolet El Camino Super Sport. In case you have trouble procuring one of those, here are some of the popular highlights:

- When citing another source, it is appropriate to Gizoogle the shisznit out of it.

- Punctuation goes outside quotation marks when the quotation marks surround a term of art.

- The name Possible Elitists High On Coffee and Cloves or PEHOCAC is always to be liseted in boldface and in yellow.

- Any number of slashes (///) can be optionally substituted for an apostrophe (') at any time--Hubert Selby, Jr. style.

- "Also Known As" can be abbreviated as "a/k/a" or "a.k.a."

- Never stoop the level of the uncool. If necessary, rewrite all these rules to stay ahead of the curve.

And don't forget the catch-all: for any issues not specifically addressed by the People's Style Guide, refer to materials from the course "Sun Ra 171" as taught at UC-Berkeley.

Of mice and crazy scientologists

Holly, I've known for a long time that Tom Cruise is crazy. But I mean, haven't you seen Taps (1981) too?

The Andy Warhol Friendship Taco

Occasionally, readers might get the impression that the scribes at PEHOCAC don't get along. He likes Brian Jones, I like Mick Taylor. He has a signed portrait of R. Buckminster Fuller. I have a white silk thong with the lipstick traces of Ann Coulter. Alas, we are common people with large ideas and clothing that looks like it should cost 95% less than we paid for it. That is why I want Paper Cat to know that he is my friend.

You Can Be My Wingman Anytime

It's official. Tom Cruise is completely insane.

What's the Deal with the Rope?

It seems the new fashion gear for those "hipster" kids -- you know, the ones who "discovered" the Strokes after they appeared on the MTV Music Awards -- is drawing its inspiration from an old computer game: Oregon Trail.



I see this shirt everywhere. It's the goddamn "Vote for Pedro" of 2006. WTF? I say while we're on this kick that we revive other 80s computer games for kick ass T-shirt ideas. Where's my Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? T-shirt. More importantly, I want a Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards one. That would kick serious ass.

Rewind it yrself

I want to talk about my past career as an instant replay official. It was a special time in my life. I felt I was actually making a difference in the world. I wasn't wasting my time feeding starving children or discovering renewable energy sources. My wistful days and hot summer nights were spent assuring technical compliance with arbitrary sporting rules. You better believe that no touchdowns were awarded on my watch when the ball carrier didn't actually break the plane of the goal line. I can say that my experience as an instant replay official pretty much directly lead to my membership of the hipster softball team. It certainly dwarfs my short stint as a dramatic reenactment actor for documentary films. But Holly, does our softball team have a sponsor yet? If not, it might be time to hit up Chico's Bail Bonds. I hear they support only the finest in athletic teams.

On a Plain

Snakes on a Plane, that is.

The hoopla around this soon-to-be-crappy film, worth it for the ridiculous title and for the possibility of Samuel L. Jackson saying, "Mmm mmm bitch, there're a bunch of snakes on this muthafuckin' plane," got Holly to thinking about so-bad-their-awesome films she's seen. (By the way, this would make for good small talk when you're out runnin' the basepaths for Irony & White, Paper Cat -- hint hint.)

--Black Dog (1998): This film stars Patrick Swayze, Meatloaf and Randy Travis. 'Nuff Said.

--Anaconda (1997): Ice Cube opens the film by quoting a line from one of his songs ("Damn it was a good day") and ends it telling the worst CGI snake ever (blog theme tie-in!), "That's right bitch."

--Superman III (1983): Richard Pryor and Superman team up to defeat Superman. What?

--Bones (2001): This Snoop Dogg/Pam Grier vehicle, supposedly a horror film, has a startling central thesis; we loved our neighborhood better before crack infiltrated it and we engaged in the wholesome art of pimping.

--Passenger 57 (1992): Yay, another blog theme tie-in. Except this one stars Wesley Snipes, who can't act his way out of a wet paperbag. Involves a genius terrorist who is British. Come on now. That's not realistic (insert appropriate ironic emoticon here).

Get out your PBR's, invent drinking games, and get sloppy drunk watching shitty movies. What better way to waste brain cells ... other than watching American Idol ... or huffing gasoline.

PS: Pour out some of the PBR in honor of this beautiful soul.

No joy in tvland

Anybody out there sick of having all the good TV shows ruined, cancelled, or otherwise shit on by "the man"? As if it weren't enough that Arrested Development went downhill it's last season before finally being booted, with its many, many awards in tow. Really, that's just one of the more recent examples. Some of us, though, will remember the brief but brilliant lifespans of shows like Freaks and Geeks, TV Nation, The Critic, Battlestar Galactica, The Job, The Tick, The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley, and the queen mother of them all: Get a Life starring the great Chris Elliott. I bet Chris Elliott is great at softball...jokes.

Slow-Pitch Hipster Softball

I asked the Paper Cat several times, but he refuses to play on my hipster softball team, Irony & Whine. I won biggest battle of all -- who'd get to play "left field," as hipsters are always striving to be more left-field than each other. Hey, I've got good range out there, and when I refer to V for Vendetta, I'm not talking about that Wachowski Brothers movie or that Alan Moore comic.

One of the least hip people on the team (he actually played a real varsity sport -- baseball -- in high school) suggested we get these shirts. Laaaaaaame. I suggest this one.

Ultimately, though, Irony & Whine needs a ringer. I suggest this fine fine specimen: