What You Want

All I want for Christmas is a Democracy. And not just any Democracy:

CHINESE DEMOCRACY

Get with the program, Axl. I need my GnR fix, stat.

Ho ho ho

So I'm sitting here watching Pee-Wee's Christmas Special from 1988, yelling and screaming whenever somebody says "year". And my friend is going nuts because just as he rememberd, The Del Rubio Triplettes! make a special appearance. I'm think about how great Pee-Wee's green snowsuit and white boots are, and also how Jingle Cats ruined my life. Well, that's probably a stretch. Those cats didn't ruin my life, but they certainly did kill the dream. I have always had a dream to have cats sing songs for me. But Meowy Christmas by the Jingle Cats was a total letdown. Hopefully those People Eating Tasty Animals people can get those cats away from the recording studio long enough to make a nice chop suey style dish out of them.

Happy holidays!

A Spectre for You

Though I rarely take sides with the people at PETA, I think the "animal-rights" organization needs to be called in for this one. Mike Spalla, the "genius" behind "Jingle Cats," is at it again, exploiting felines (and canines) for his sick and depraved need to cash in on the "holiday season." Seriously people, this is a war against Christmas! Mr. Spalla takes stray cats (and dogs, for his new project), dresses them up, and records them. These animals, without a home, receive no compensation for their talents. Is this not the foulest, most pornographic thing you've ever heard? He gets off doing this, and he gets away with it. And where is PETA now? Probably at some busy intersection in some hippie town showing people, in the tradition of the Pro-Lifers, photos of slaughtered and exploited animals. I eat meat, sure, but making ANYBODY sing Christmas songs, unless they're Run-DMC and they've just got their mitts on the hot track "Christmas in Hollis," should be against the laws of man, animal and Manimal.

People who record Christmas songs know it's an easy way to make some cash because every holiday season, that one annoying and uncreative relative we all have that doesn't know what kind of gift to give reaches deep down inside their vacant imaginations and gets us a Santa Claus tie, Nativity placemats, Menorrah earrings made of pewter or a disc of Kenny G. belting away at "Little Drummer Boy" for 45 minutes. That relative will get you "Jingle Cats," "Jingle Dogs," and, whatever Spalla the Exploiterer comes up with next (what: "Jingle Baby Seals"?), and you'll be the victim of his wicked war against animals.

Do you think Jesus really wants to come back to Earth and listen to this drivel? What would Jesus do? WWJD? He would banish Mike Spalla to hell ... hell, I tell you.

Happy Holidays from Ebeneezer Go-Heavily

Oops I Did It Again

When one of your annoying relatives irritates your e-mail inbox with particularly bothersome attachments, they often feature chain mail photo montages with a specific theme. One of the these is the obligatory FUNNY CHURCH SIGNS message. Well, here are a few that I find hilarious, so as to spare you from having delete 'em from your inbox:

At least these believers are honest!

I had no idea our boy Turtledaub went BORN AGAIN. At least he's staying true to his punk rock roots.

Okay, so none of these are real. I am exploiting a website (as you can tell by the inconspicuously present links) called Church Sign Generator. But reports about Britney Spears' demise are true. Like Paris Hilton and, ahem, my former love interest, Britney Spears has dropped out of the human fold due to her perpetual irrelevancy. Aside from making bare midriffs cool and her early career talent for tantalizing pervy old men with her Lolita-jailbait charm, her computer-aided voice (CAV), bad choice in marital material, and wonderful parenting skills have distracted us long enough. So Bye Bye Britney.