No Matter What

Hey there everybody. There are a few pieces of important news on all the cool kids' minds right now. First, the bad news: Gyorgi Ligeti, the great avant-garde composer responsibile for Artikulation (1958), Atmospheres (1961) and Lux Aeterna (1966), passed away on Monday at the age of 73. Second, more bad news: Paul McCartney is getting divorced from his second wife, Heather Mills. Their marriage lasted two albums :(

Now every single Beatle has been divorced. This will give Sir Paul many new opportunities to work on his mix-CD skillz for the ladies. If he sends me one, I just hope it doesn't include "Temporary Secretary."

Even more bad news--Let's face it, my peeps: the whole ninja/pirate/zombie/robot thing is DEAD, over and done with, just like the whole Chuck Norris thing. Using these subversive (well, their primary goals are to maim, kill or [double entendre alert] steal your booty) characters ironically just to mock one's own hardcore pacifism has generated plenty of humor over the years. I've made plenty of jokes at the expense of these societal degenerates. But the time has come to move on. Now people are becoming so lazy in their use of this humor device that they are combining them: the Ninja Pirate, the Zombie Robot and the Robot Ninja Zombie Pirate have been making appearances at Belle and Sebastian record release parties and anti-war protests for months now. And, yeah, the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

I get it. What Holly is saying is that it is time to move on. What next then? you may ask. Well, Holly Go-Heavily has a few suggestions for making funny ironic small talk. Option #1: childlike references to fecal matter:



Doody Knife, from the Chicago metropolitan area, rivals The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes as the greatest fake band ever. Notice how they are many things, but, most especially, a "knife used to cut poop"? I thought you'd might. That's funny shit (drum roll please)!!!

Option #2: Lobsters and/or crabs. These pinchy little critters have long been a comedy staple in the G0-Heavily household. Unlike zombies or ninjas, they are not lethal -- merely annoying (ouch!). Woody Allen already exploited the lobster for a few yuks in Annie Hall (1977), and since it's cool to like Woody Allen again, I suggest making cryptic/paranoid remarks about "that dedicated amphibious militia of copper-plated Patriot Lobsters" the next time you're out on a pub crawl. Things will go just that much more swimmingly!