This is Bob Dylan to Me

I resent the Cat's comments of January the 26th.

This is a fucking corndog!

Now I'm hungry.

Going to the Crystal Ball

It's that time of the year--Gamblin' time. Pull your Kenny Rogers records out of their their jackets and know when to hold 'em and all that shit. The Pittsburgh Steelers wins the Super Bowl in a 13-10 blowout. Most importantly, the nominations for the Always Disappointing Holly Awards, aka the Academy Awards, came out today. Therefore, ladies and germs, I'll ask for your patience as I sift through the major award categories--

Performance by an actor in a leading role
The award goes to: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
The award should really go to: Simon Baker, Land of the Dead

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
The award goes to: William Hurt, A History of Violence
The award should really go to: John Leguizamo, Land of the Dead

Performance by an actress in a leading role
The award goes to: Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
The award should really go to: Miranda July, Me and You and Everyone We Know

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
The award goes to: Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain
The award should really go to: Asia Argento, Land of the Dead

Achievement in directing
The award goes to: Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
The award should really go to: George A. Romero, Land of the Dead

Best motion picture of the year
The award goes to: Crash (in a surprise)
The award should really go to: Land of the Dead

As you can tell, one great film really got snubbed during this whole process. Oh well, better luck next year. And I predict George W. Bush will say "noo-que-lur" at least 8 times in tonight's State of the Union address. Anybody wanna bet on that?

History lesson part VIII

Holly stretches the truth. She's a fucking corndog. Here's the real track listing for that mix CD:

1. D.'s Car Jam/Anxious Mo-Fo - Minutemen
2. Theatre Is the Life of You - Minutemen
3. Viet Nam - Minutemen
4. Cohesion - Minutemen
5. It's Expected I'm Gone - Minutemen
6. #1 Hit Song - Minutemen
7. Two Beads at the End - Minutemen
8. Do You Want New Wave or Do You Want the Truth? - Minutemen
9. Don't Look Now - Minutemen
10.Shit from an Old Notebook - Minutemen
11.Nature Without Man - Minutemen
12.One Reporters Opinion - Minutemen
13.Mike's Car Jam/Political Song for Michael Jackson to Sing - Minutemen
14.Maybe Partying Will Help - Minutemen
15.Toadies - Minutemen
16.Retreat - Minutemen
17.The Big Foist - Minutemen
18.God Bows to Math - Minutemen
19.Corona - Minutemen
20.The Glory of Man - Minutemen
21.Take 5, D. - Minutemen
22.My Heart and the Real World - Minutemen
23.History Lesson, Pt. II - Minutemen
24.George's Car Jam/You Need the Glory - Minutemen
25.The Roar of the Masses Could Be Farts - Minutemen
26.Mr. Robot's Holy Orders - Minutemen
27.West Germany - Minutemen
28.The Politics of Time - Minutemen
29.Themselves - Minutemen
30.Please Don't Be Gentle With Me - Minutemen
31.Nothing Indeed - Minutemen
32.No Exchange - Minutemen
33.There Ain't Shit on T.V. Tonight - Minutemen
34.This Ain't No Picnic - Minutemen
35.Spillage - Minutemen
36.Untitled Song for Latin America - Minutemen
37.Jesus and Tequila - Minutemen
38.June 16th - Minutemen
39.Storm in My House - Minutemen
40.Martin's Story - Minutemen
41.Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love - Minutemen
42.Doctor Wu - Minutemen
43.Little Man with a GUn in His Hand - Minutemen
44.The World According to Nouns - Minutemen
45.Love Dance/Three Car Jam - Minutemen

Anyone who thinks this is just the original Double Nickels On the Dime album by The Minutemen should shut it. No one asked you. There are a lot of rules to making a good mix CD, but since you don't talk about fight club I can't really go into it. Besides, all my mix CD tips were intercepted by NSA spies. :-(

Please Mr. Postman

Holly here. That purrific tailswatter P. Kitty sent me a little present in the mail to celebrate the year that was 2005--the year of the rooster. It was a mix CD (!!), a variation on the mix-tape, a grand ol' way to communicate with friends without actually saying any of your words. Think of them as cover songs, but in epistolary form (PS: I couldn't use the phrase "cover letter," as that has some sort of serious professional meaning, apparently -- who knew?)

I love mix-CDs from friends. But this disc that the Cat sent me has no songs from 2005 on it, first of all. Second, check out the track listing, which, by the way, is totally incomplete. As you know, mix CD etiquette dictates that there must be at least 60 minutes worth of music -- otherwise you are being sent a message; i.e. you're not worthy of more than an hour of music. Here it is:

1. Black Flag, Damaged I
2. The Avengers, Fuck You
3. The Avengers, Fuck You
4. The Avengers, Fuck You
5. The Avengers, Fuck You
6. The Avengers, Fuck You
7. The Avengers, Fuck You
8. The Beatles, Leave My Kitten Alone
[then, the disc just stops with an incomplete version of:]
8 1/2. Chicks on Speed, Glamour Girl

Now, you know about my chronic--though not debilitating--paranoia. I have the sense that the Paper Cat intended this disc go to somebody else, some enemy, some ex-girlfriend, but not me. The only thing that could create any sort of bitterness between us lately is the fact that I didn't get him that Braun Handheld Mixer he put requested on his Kohl's Wedding Registry.

Fear is a Man's Best Friend

Well, kiddies, I'm back from California. After tearing up the West Coast, I'm back to wreck shit up Mid-Atlantic-style. Beware, y'all.

A little known fact: Holly goes bananas for the defunct HBO series Six Feet Under. Easily the best thing ever produced in the medium of television, the compelling drama dealt intelligently with death, love and all those transitory moments in-between, and did so with the occasional in-joke or gallows humor.

But there has been one major side-effect from watching this show. Being a hypochondriac at heart, I have recently developed a number of phobias that have their basis in specific sequences from the show.

Phobia #1: Fear of being chopped in half by an elevator.

Phobia #2: Fear of smoking while driving a hearse.

Phobia #3: Fear of picking up hitchhikers.

Phobia #4: Fear of taking aspirin ... and that it might result in an unexpected (that's the scary part) Ecstasy trip.

Phobia #5: Fear of aspects of my life story being turned into somebody else's "performance art" [An aside: it has come to my attention that if I decide to do something stupid, like break the law or do something personally embarrassing, I should claim it to be "performance art." At least it was this guy's defense.]

As you can tell, I could keep going. The show has turned me into even more of a neurotic mess.

A no show

I'll admit that the only movie on Holly's list that I've seen is Brokeback Mountain. It got a little better towards the end, but I found it dull. Then again, I've seen enough Fassbinder movies--like Fox and His Friends (1975)--to know what a good movie with gay people is like. But I suppose you could say Brokeback is a good soap opera if you haven't seen Same Time, Next Year (1978) before.

The only new movie I saw in 2005 that impressed me was Howl's Moving Castle. It's the best animated and the best children's film of the last 25 years at least. But the best movie I saw all year was certainly Pier Paolo Pasolini's The Hawks and the Sparrows (1966). Who knew a clown, a non-actor and a talking crow would make such a classic?