Everyone is Gay

The wonderful folks over at Focus on the Family swear that the group is "designed to help parents bond together, share practical advice, and encourage one another to make the most of the parenting years." Founded by Dr. James C. Dobson, the greatest parent in history, they include, on their website, tips to keep children between the ages of 5 and 11 from becoming homosexual, or, simply, "Helping Boys Become Men, Girls Become Women":

http://www.focusonyourchild.com/develop/art1/A0000684.html

Let Holly summarize these points for you, so that any of your teeming brood do not become gay (the horror! the horror!):

1) If your son is not a total fucking asshole ... SISSYBOY.
2) If your son is independent, free-thinking and sensitive ... GAY.
3) If your son has a creative and active imagination ... FUDGEPACKER.
4) If you have a daughter, don't worry: these rules don't apply to her, though she just might turn your son FRUITY if she shares her gender-coded toys with him.
5) If your son can't wait to suck his own semen out of his boyfriend's pooter, join the cheerleading squad because he actually has school spirit, or "borrow" all your Judy Garland records ... Oh wait, different list.

Call me old-fashioned, but I didn't think good parenting involved telling your children when they are very young that they should feel constant shame and embarrassment. But what do I know, I'm not a doctor (well, not yet), I'm not a parent (well, not yet), and I hate kids (still). To be fair, the site does say, "Accept your child and affirm his or her worth regardless of the characteristics you observe. Show unconditional love." So, the lesson, folks, is to show your children unconditional love by getting them extremely conditional, "professional help." Parents who Focus on the Family, what is the greater threat? Honestly. Having a daughter who likes Ani DiFranco and dresses like Alex P. Keaton or a son that listens to Can, wears an ironic moustache, Chuck Taylors and a high-school sports T-shirt IN PUBLIC?

That's right, Cat ... BINGO!!!