Things I Wonder

While squatting above a nasty toilet bowl in the ladies' room in an Arby's restaurant (ummm, Roast Beef with Arby-Q sauce; ummm, horseradish), I was wondering which is actually nastier: those silly troughs that manly-man Paper Cat was showing off in his last post, or these scuzzy ladies' rooms (which are basically troughs with dividers, if you think about it). Actually, while going to the bathroom, I was wondering about the profound lack of relevance of the graffiti scrawled on this stop sign in an Arlington, Virginia high school parking lot.

The graffiti is obviously a reference to Jan Hammer, the guy who not only did cutting edge work with Jeff Beck back in 1977, but who, most notably, composed the wonderful theme song for the best television show of the 1980s, Miami Vice. Italian sports cars, flamingos, sprinkler systems, cocaine, pastel socks, Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas .... arrrrrrrr :) People who lived out the 80s in all their disgusting glory have seemingly forgot just how extraordinary this soundtrack album (1985) is, with Jan Hammer's stunning keyboard work, Melle Mel's rap stylings, Phil Collins' drum clinic "In the Air Tonight" and, lest we forget, the sexiest slow-burn sax song of all time, Glenn Frey's "You Belong to the City." I wonder why so many people have forgotten the astounding cultural work done by this glorious soundtrack album that was, in essence, the soundtrack to all our lives back in '85.

Another thing I wonder: if ya'll can see through my thin veneer of irony. You are probably thinking, "Holly doesn't really like the Miami Vice soundtrack. She's just saying that because it's an easy pop cultural target that can generate some quick n' easy laughs." And you'd be partially correct. I loved this album intensely as a ten year-old. But I also loved sucking my thumb when I was ten.

However, you might wonder--that is, if you are interested--what sincerely makes Holly smile. Look no further than this album:

Austin Wiggin was paying for music lessons for three of his teenaged daughters: Dot (lead guitar, vocals), Betty (rhythm guitar, vocals) and Helen (drums). He wanted to "get them while they were hot." The result was a vanity recording released in 1969 called Philosophy of the World. This recording is so musically terrible that most people can't bear to listen to more than 10 seconds of it. But if you are patient, and listen to how simple, naive, idealistic and sincere the young Wiggin sisters are, the record becomes a pure joy to listen to. It really brings a smile to my face, whereas most things in life, outside of good friends and bad jokes, rarely do so. The lyrics range from the mundane ("My companion is with me when I drive my car, even when I go real far") and pseudoaphoristic ("The short people want what the tall people got and the tall people want what the short people got") to the utterly nonsensical ("Where will Foot Foot go? What will Foot Foot do? Oh Foot Foot I wish I could find you"). Dot and Betty's voices are terrible and they can barely play guitar. Worst of all is Helen, who couldn't keep a beat if it meant saving all of Europe from sliding into the Atlantic Ocean. The resulting aural calamity is one of the most precious things you will ever hear (though I do not recommend listening to this stuff for more than, oh, say, 20 minutes at a time--also, avoid their other album, Shaggs Own Thing). Their sound is best summarized by jazz musician Carla Bley who said, "[The Shaggs] bring my mind to a complete halt." The best song on Philosophy is "Things I Wonder." Dot sings of what she wonders about: stars, love, things she doesn't know about, etc. I wonder why I like Philosophy of the World so much but do not like Tales from Topographic Oceans (1973) by Yes or other records by "great musicians." To quote Dot, "It seems as though the things I wonder most are the things I never find out": oh, and because Yes sucks :)