Make 'em Laugh

Given the amount of Federal attention NOW focused on New Orleans and the surrounding areas levelled by Hurricane Katrina, our country now stands most vulnerable to a terrorist attack.

This is why I propose a new way of getting information from apprehended terror suspects (either those currently at Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, or elsewhere): tickling!

Those of you out there who have been tickled know that it can make you feel as vulnerable as Janet Leigh taking a shower in Psycho (1960).

If anybody out there knows whether tickling is allowed under the Geneva Convention, please let me know. For some reason, I just don't think it is. "Coochie-Coochie-Coo ... aw shit, I'm a War Criminal" just don't seem like very likely words to come out of somebody's mouth ... ever.

Tickling is a great way to get information from suspected terrorists because what extremist would ever want to laugh so hard he pissed himself in front of a United States authority figure? That would be too embarrassing, personally and karmically. Can't you just imagine what the interrogations would be like: "Tickle, Tickle. Where the fuck is Osama bin Laden?" Answer: "Oh shit, oh shit, stop it stop it stop it, I'll tell you everything. He works out of an H&R Block in Munich. Oh you're killing me. I'm gonna piss myself. Stop it, oh that Shredded Geneva Convention Feathery Duster really tickles."

(Folks, there is a reason I've never pursued public office.)