What's in a Name?

The new album by Yo La Tengo, a band that has been kickin'-it indie-style for over 20 years, has the best album title since ... well, ever. Cannibal Corpse released an EP called Hammer Smashed Face back in 1993 which held the crown for many years. Consider that Yo La Tengo has had some of the corniest album names in history--I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One (1997) and And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out (1999)--titles that only Morrissey could churn out if he worked for the Hallmark Greeting Card Company. Now, in 2006, they have unleashed upon the world a decent, but not great album called ... I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass!!!! Can you imagine Ira Kaplan beating anyone's ass? Yeah, now you see what it's such a great title.

Touch Me

Because of recent events, many Republicans running for congressional seats have had to change their campaign strategy. Congressman Eric Cantor of Virginia, take my professional advice. This should be your new campaign slogan:

Reasons to re-elect Congressman Cantor in 2006:

1. Will not raise your taxes
2. Will not cut and run from Iraq
3. WILL NOT HAVE I.M. SEX WITH UNDERAGE BOYS!!!!

Fat Albert?

Once again, it's time for Holly's baseball postseason awards and predictions!

American League
MVP:
1. Derek Jeter, SS, New York Yankees
--(14 HR, 97 RBI, .343 BA) He carried the best team in baseball in the second half of the season. With great baserunning (34 SBs), the AL's second best batting average and what is likely to be his third Gold Glove at short stop, the Yankees' team captain gets my vote of confidence.
2. David Ortiz, DH, Boston Red Sox
--(54 HR, 137 RBI, .287 BA) Despite another epic season of power, Ortiz just misses out, again, to another Yankee (it was A-Rod's award last year). The games he missed because of a heart palpitation coincided with their slide from first place. Because he doesn't play in the field that often, he is a more one-dimensional player than the great Yankees shortstop.
3. Johann Santana, P, Minnesota Twins
--(19-6, 2.77 ERA, 245 Ks) Responsible for the Twins ascension to first place on the last day of the regular season. He is easily the best pitcher in baseball today. He won the major league pitching triple crown (most wins, best ERA and most strikeouts).

Cy Young:
Who cares? Johann Santana owns this category, so any other name in the discussion is just silly. I'm sure there will be a fight over second place, which will probably go to the Yankees' Chien-Ming Wang (19-6, 3.63 ERA, 76 Ks).

Rookie of the Year:
1. Justin Verlander, P, Detroit Tigers
--(17-9, 3.63 ERA, 124 Ks) This young upstart finished fourth in the league in wins and seventh in ERA for a suprising Tigers team. Though he would have lost, at various points in the season, to Francisco Liriano and Jonathan Papelbon (Boston Red Sox), they both got injured and Verlander lasted. Therefore, by virtue of his great season and being the last man standing, the award will be his. Also worthy of consideration: Jered Weaver (Los Angeles Angels).
2. Jonathan Papelbon, P, Boston Red Sox
--(4-2, 0.92 ERA, 75 Ks, 35 saves) Was leading the league in all relief pitching categories until he went down in August. Just look at that sick ERA.
3. Francisco Liriano, P, Minnesota Twins
--(12-3, 2.16 ERA, 144 Ks) Was leading the league in wins and ERA before he went down with injuries. If he was still in the rotation, the Twins would probably be the clear cut favorite for the World Series.

National League
MVP:
1. Albert Pujols, 1B, St. Louis Cardinals
--(49 HR, 137 RBI, .331 BA) Establishing career highs in homers and RBI, Pujols single-handedly kept the Cardinals from falling out of the playoffs. He is the most fearsome hitter in the game, and, sadly, doesn't have the protection in the lineup that Howard has in Philly.
2. Ryan Howard, 1B, Philadelphia Phillies
--(58 HR, 149 RBI, .313 BA) Howard followed up his Rookie of the Year season with one for the ages, producing the most home runs for a second year player in history, and the most home runs in baseball since Bonds and Sosa both topped 60 in 2001. And those longballs weren't solely the result of playing in baseball's tiniest park ... he hit half of them on the road. Unfortunately, his big season wasn't enough to get the Phillies into the postseason.
3. Who cares? There's not really anybody else that deserves to be in the conversation. I'm sure a few third place votes will go to Lance Berkman (1B, Houston Astros) and Alfonso Soriano (OF, Washington Nationals).

Cy Young:
First of all, this is easily the worst class of pitchers in many a long time. There was a six-way tie for the league lead in victories: 16! So, this one will actually be interesting.
1. Trevor Hoffman, P, San Diego Padres
--(0-2, 2.14 ERA, 50Ks, 46 saves) He might be the first CyYoung with zero wins! Also, this award is more of a career achievement award (like Pujols' ill-deserved MVP last year), which is nice considering he broke the all-time saves record this year. Also, he's the best player on a playoff team that doesn't produce that many runs, so his saves are vital for their success.
2. Chris Carpenter, P, St. Louis Cardinals
--(15-8, 3.09 ERA, 184 Ks) This would have been his if he didn't blow his last two starts, which coincided with the Cardinals freefall late in the season. There is a slight chance he will win two consecutive Cy Young Awards.
3. Brandon Webb, P, Arizona Diamondbacks
--(16-8, 3.10 ERA, 178 Ks) Like Randy Johnson in 2004, Webb would have won the award if he was not on a last place team. He will only get better.

Rookie of the Year:
1. Ryan Zimmerman, 3B, Washington Nationals
--(20 HR, 110 RBI, .287 BA) Sure Zim was on a last place Nationals team, but he provided clutch hit after clutch hit during his rookie campaign.
2. Dan Uggla, 2B, Florida Marlins
--(27 HR, 90 RBI, .282 BA) He set the record for most HRs by a rookie second baseman. That alone might get him the award, despite his late season slump.
3. Henley Ramirez, OF, Florida Marlins
--(17 HR, 59 RBI, .292 BA, 51 SB) Another young upstart on the Marlins, he proved himself to be one of baseball's best leadoff hitters
Also worthy of consideration, Prince Fielder (1B, Milwaukee Brewers).

Postseason Predictions:

Oakland vs. Minnesota: Minnesota
New York Yankees vs. Detroit: New York Yankees
New York Mets vs. Los Angeles Dodgers: Los Angeles Dodgers
San Diego vs. St. Louis: San Diego

New York Yankees vs. Minnesota: New York Yankees
San Diego vs. Los Angeles Dodgers: Los Angeles Dodgers

New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Dodgers: New York Yankees

Yep. This should be the year the Yankees return to as World Series champs. I'm still rooting for the Cardinals though (I don't think they have a chance ... but I can dream).