My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

Over the last month, there has been a whirlwind of benefit concerts for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Most of these benefits (with the exception of Kanye West's anti-Bush "outburst"), especially the ones telecast on multiple television networks simultaneously, have been dull as a butterknife.

Holly knows--KNOWS--what Americans want, and it's not lightly rehearsed radio-friendly fare by artists who were popular during the Reagan/Thatcher years. You know what Americans want? And being the progressive feminist that I am, I do: titties!

Americans cannot get enough of these things, real or fake, young or old. We love tits. Who wudda thunk that so many hipsters and non-hipsters alike would be overwhelmingly mesmerized by two milk-producing mounds of fatty tissue?

According to CNN, Joe Francis, founder of Girls Gone Wild, is donating 100 percent of the proceeds of a Girls Gone Wild triple-DVD pack to the Red Cross for Hurricane Katrina relief. What a heart-warming story of generosity, strength, perserverance, and doggy-style. Mr. Francis should up the ante. Now that he can no longer exploit the borderline-pedophilic alcohol-induced exhibitionism encouraged at New Orleans' Mardi Gras celebrations without just a hint of sadness over what happened there in August, 2005, he should sweet-talk sorority sisters who "want to make a difference" into FLASHING FOR OUR FUTURE. I'm sure many more people would rather see out of focus female breasts for 0.118 seconds than listen to some old geezers like The Scorpions singing "Winds of Change" sans irony, not realizing that it was precisely "winds of change" that totally fucked New Orleans.

Boys, you can play your part as well. Encourage the makers of Guys Gone Wild to get on the ball (wah wah wah), make a new film pronto and to donate those vast financial earnings to the Red Cross. Show off your junk for the hurricane victims. I mean, Americans just can't get enough cock. (BAD JOKE ALERT: They already get enough Bush.) Also, I'm sure the Hurricane Katrina fund could use the extra $129 that will be earned from the sales of that DVD. (Maybe that money could be used to call up Brian Wilson to see what he knows about the Yakuza!)

Double standards? You bet. I told you I know what Americans want!