Possible Elitists High On Coffee and Cloves

In Limbo?

2007-04-20T12:24:00.000-05:00

According to a new document produced by the Roman Catholic Church titled "The Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die Without Being Baptised," limbo is no more. I'm so glad this is cleared up now. In it, the authors conclude, "the many factors that we have considered ... give serious theological and liturgical grounds for hope that unbaptised infants who die will be saved and enjoy the beatific vision." Rumor has it one version of the document also "hoped" that all unbaptised infants who die would go to Candyland for all eternity, but the American Dental Association objected, claiming that the toothless should not mock the toothed and cavity-plagued living with their eternal consumption of wonderful sweets.

On a much more serious note, PEHOCAC sends our condolences out to the victims of the Virginia Tech Massacre on Monday April 16 and to all those who have been distressed by the media's (particularly NBC's) continual coverage of this unfortunate event.

Father Figure

2007-04-11T10:42:00.000-05:00

Holly, for some reason, has great insight into the male psyche. That is why this photo from the front page of most newspapers across the country today confuses me:

I have never seen a man get more excited about the news that he is the illegitimate father of a baby girl. You'd think he was Rocky Balboa, celebrating the fact that he jogged through Philadelphia without getting arrested for steroid possession. I wonder why he's so excited?

P.Kitty, I'm very glad you're working on PEHOCAC's "official" history/herstory, the she-said-he-said struggle for the freedom to blog intelligently, humorously, truthfully and hyperbolic-like. The mainstream media can criticize us for being "confrontational," "controversial," "maintaining an extremely limited reading audience" and as "constantly taking one step forward, two steps back." Just wait, mainstream media, just wait. You'll see. As I told The Paper Cat for his book, "We're so far ahead of our times that we actually see the backs of our own heads." Suck on that, Larry King.

Killer

2007-04-10T18:48:00.000-05:00

Well, Holly has it right on numerous counts. For one, our "vacation" has been a blast [of cold, high pressure water]. I, for one, had a lot of fun in the pool [being water boarded]. But in the end, [having refused to surrender the logon password to PEHOCAC,] I think the trip was could have worked out even better [for the guards].

But Holly is also right on another count, even if she didn't provide quite the whole story. If you think Vote for the Worst is out to "ruin" American Idol, then you probably realize that 神田ブログ is trying to ruin PEHOCAC. Yeah, you can believe I'm pissed. I mean, can you believe they are trying to vote me off the blog? I mean, we don't even accept votes! Well, I guess we do if readers send them, but we don't do anything with them. Shit, that's not even true. I would probably try to sell them on eBay.

But I've been busy since "vacation" ended. I've started to write a book. The working title is "A People's History of PEHOCAC". I hope to fill it with all the stuff that mainstream historians want to don't want you to know about the blog because it doesn't fit with the "accepted mythology" of Holly and me being unerring comic geniuses with our fingers on the pulses of both Hulk Hogan and the international literary avant-guard. Like how how the seemingly most stupidest posts are really the best, because our real audience hasn't even been born yet. Or how the blog was on the brink of being shut down for not paying our blog bills, before Turtledaub pointed out that we don't pay any blog bills. Hopefully Ann Coulter reviews this bad boy when it's finished.

Fake Plastic Mlamlamla

2007-04-09T11:22:00.000-05:00

Sorry kiddies for the long absence. The Paper Cat and myself were "removed" from our "previous situation" and "debriefed" by "attorneys working for the 'government.'" The Paper Cat will talk more about this delicate situation when he "returns from vacation." And no, this is not a "cypher" [wink, wink!!].

The only really important thing that has happened to civilization since last we spoke has been its very decline, aka the continued attention paid to American Idol. I've seen one episode ever about three years ago (my predictable quick capsule review: it sucked ... hard), so I cannot be called an "expert" on these "important matters" which I'm repetitively referring to in "quotations."

But since I am an American, I just happen to be aware of the current controversy surrounding "singer" Sanjaya Malakar. Apparently he's quite bad, but keeps winning because of his looks (I, for the record, am pleased to see a young man of Bengali/Italian American descent causing so many young hearts to swoon) and because of a website called Vote for the Worst which seems to be a hilarious attempt to sabotage the show.

More intriguing perhaps is the claim by the show's main draw, Simon Cowell, that he "won't come back" to the show if Malakar wins.

If Cowell leaves the show, it will cease to be watched and it will get canceled, destined to be forgotten like some of these pop icons from the past 50 years: Bobby Sherman, Tab Hunter, Leif Garrett, Tiffany, Tony DiFranco, Fabian and Debbie Gibson.

Vote for Sanjaya!

Then we Americans can get the television programming we deserve.

Sixteen Stone

2007-01-13T12:31:00.000-06:00

Several months ago, the following question was asked on the cover of an issue of Rolling Stone: Is George Bush the worst president ever?

For those of us who lack historical perspective and ideological persuasion (i.e. born during the Gerald Ford presidency), the answer is yes, especially given the debacle in Iraq and his "new strategy" for success over there, which is really just another moniker for "more of the same, plus 21,500."

Sure, George W. Bush is a douche, but he's not the worst president ever. That award goes to William Henry Harrison, the ninth Commander-in-Chief of our nation.

Hell, even the official White House biography only gives Harrison's presidency one paragraph. So, the story goes, he was elected the Whig Party candidate in 1841. He gave his inaugural speech on March 4th in the winter cold of Washington D.C. without wearing a jacket. Did I mention he was 68 years old, then the oldest president to be elected? Yeah. The plot thickens. His inaugural address was nearly 9,000 words long, and took well over two hours to deliver. Needless to say, this dumbass spent the next month dying, and enacting some bullshit legislation.

Harrison died April 4th, 1841. His presidency only lasted one month. But what most people don't know is that on March 28th, Harrison, in an opium delirium, drafted the Robot Futures Act of 2141, which placed the powers of the Presidency, Senate, House and Judiciary in the hands of artificially intelligent "mechanized decisionmakers." He envisioned the world, three hundred years from his own time, as a glorious illustration of pure sublime Enlightenment, where mankind had created all the tools necessary to make life as convenient as possible. This would be a good world. After this "nonsense" was passed by weak politicians just to please a dying old man, Harrison came down hard from his opium high and realized that we could not trust the machines. Harrison then drafted the Decision to Annihilate the Machines Act of 2141, basically sending every American human alive into hand-to-hand combat with the laser-guided borgs. The war he envisioned was worse than the stuff in The Matrix and Terminator combined.

This legislation will affect all of our great-great-great grandchildren. The beyond-the-grave power of this depraved ghost of a dead president must, MUST, be reckoned with, or we will all be batteries for machines or Yorick-like skulls crushed under the feet of cybernetic robots for pure dramatic effect.

"Tippecanoe and Tyler too," my ass. William Henry Harrison ... WORST PRESIDENT EVAH!

It's Easy to See Without Looking Too Far That Not Much Is Really Sacred

2007-01-12T13:32:00.000-06:00

Simon Cowell doesn't like the music of Bob Dylan. That doesn't bother me. What does bother me is the fact that he thinks Kelly Clarkson is "a young Aretha Franklin," and that he purportedly thinks she is better than Bob Dylan.

For the record, Kelly Clarkson is no Aretha Franklin, young, old, zygotic or dead. She's an older Debbie Gibson whose producers and A&R people scour the sounds of the Strokes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and the Minutemen for material. Her music will be forgotten in three years, unlike the "dull" sounds of Bobby Zimmerman.

With sensibilities like these, it's no wonder American Idol-ification has sweeped the globe and lowered the bar for lowest-common-denominator cultural "expre$$ion" (yeeeeaaaah, how punk was that?). To quote an American friend of mine in exile in London, "The masses are asses." Sure, Cowell makes waaaaaay more money than the lumpenproles who watch his shitty show, but he is clearly a reflection and a projection of our tastes in popular entertainment. He is like Addison DeWitt (George Sanders) from the film All About Eve (1950). I wouldn't call him an asshole, because he is not: he is merely a conniving businessman and taste-shaper who knows that by appearing to be an asshole, he will have a greater influence on his show's viewership because he dominates the conversation.

Just look at what I'm doing right now :)

Hair

2007-01-10T16:53:00.000-06:00

In some wonderful news, Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell both died today. They were both killed when the hot air coming out of their mouths burnt them to death. The citizens of the mortal universe are glad that they don't have to hear about this non-story between pompous windbags in the news any more.

RIP Donald Trump (1946-2007)

RIP Rosie O'Donnell (1962-2007)

You Can't Judge a Book

2007-01-04T20:18:00.000-06:00

... by looking at the cover (unless, to quote Johnny Rotten, "you cover just another") or by comparing it to its film adaptation. Because Holly Go-Heavily has plenty of spare time right now (and P-Cat knows the reason why), I decided to read Robert Bloch's novel Psycho (1959). This is one of those rare instances where the film (1960; dir. Alfred Hitchcock) is superior to the book it adapts. Bloch is a straight-up hack with no knack for suspense, pacing or character depth. There are plenty of key differences between the novel and film. Since more people are familiar with the movie, I'll talk about how the book differs. Norman Bates is a forty year-old virgin who wears glasses, is a Texan (or Oklahoman), and an overweight alcoholic who dabbles in the occult. His interest in taxidermy is only mentioned once: he stuffs a squirrel. Norman Bates and Mary Crane are, basically, both driven to madness (in admittedly vast and varying forms) because they want to get laid, but social forces are working to prevent this from happening. I could go on and on (which I won't) about the subtle changes Hitchcock's screenwriter Joseph Stefano made when he adapted Bloch's novel to improve upon the original, but I will refrain here. The point of this long-winded exercise in bloggorrhea is that yes, indeed, there are some novels/books with film doppelgangers that are much better (this, of course, excludes novelizations of films), though not many. Here are some that come to mind:

++ Henry Fielding's The History of Tom Jones (1749) --> Tom Jones (1963; dir. Tony Richardson)
++ L. Frank Baum's The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (1899) --> The Wizard of Oz (1939; dir. Victor Fleming)
++ Arthur C. Clarke and Stanley Kubrick's 2001: a Space Odyssey (1968) --> 2001: a Space Odyssey (1968; dir. Stanley Kubrick)

Actually, these are all I could think of. Now, to be honest, I've not read Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca (1938), James Jones' The Thin Red Line (1962), Mario Puzo's The Godfather (1969), Stephen King's The Shining (1977), Paddy Chayefsky's Altered States (1978), Nicholas Pileggi's Wiseguy (1985, which was adapted as GoodFellas), Bret Easton Ellis's American Psycho (1990) or Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club (1996), which seem like they'd be better as films, but I could be totally wrong on this.

Can you think of any, Paper Cat? Anybody else out there?

What You Want

2006-12-25T00:00:00.000-06:00

All I want for Christmas is a Democracy. And not just any Democracy:

CHINESE DEMOCRACY

Get with the program, Axl. I need my GnR fix, stat.

Ho ho ho

2006-12-22T10:18:00.000-06:00

So I'm sitting here watching Pee-Wee's Christmas Special from 1988, yelling and screaming whenever somebody says "year". And my friend is going nuts because just as he rememberd, The Del Rubio Triplettes! make a special appearance. I'm think about how great Pee-Wee's green snowsuit and white boots are, and also how Jingle Cats ruined my life. Well, that's probably a stretch. Those cats didn't ruin my life, but they certainly did kill the dream. I have always had a dream to have cats sing songs for me. But Meowy Christmas by the Jingle Cats was a total letdown. Hopefully those People Eating Tasty Animals people can get those cats away from the recording studio long enough to make a nice chop suey style dish out of them.

Happy holidays!

A Spectre for You

2006-12-16T10:04:00.000-06:00

Though I rarely take sides with the people at PETA, I think the "animal-rights" organization needs to be called in for this one. Mike Spalla, the "genius" behind "Jingle Cats," is at it again, exploiting felines (and canines) for his sick and depraved need to cash in on the "holiday season." Seriously people, this is a war against Christmas! Mr. Spalla takes stray cats (and dogs, for his new project), dresses them up, and records them. These animals, without a home, receive no compensation for their talents. Is this not the foulest, most pornographic thing you've ever heard? He gets off doing this, and he gets away with it. And where is PETA now? Probably at some busy intersection in some hippie town showing people, in the tradition of the Pro-Lifers, photos of slaughtered and exploited animals. I eat meat, sure, but making ANYBODY sing Christmas songs, unless they're Run-DMC and they've just got their mitts on the hot track "Christmas in Hollis," should be against the laws of man, animal and Manimal.

People who record Christmas songs know it's an easy way to make some cash because every holiday season, that one annoying and uncreative relative we all have that doesn't know what kind of gift to give reaches deep down inside their vacant imaginations and gets us a Santa Claus tie, Nativity placemats, Menorrah earrings made of pewter or a disc of Kenny G. belting away at "Little Drummer Boy" for 45 minutes. That relative will get you "Jingle Cats," "Jingle Dogs," and, whatever Spalla the Exploiterer comes up with next (what: "Jingle Baby Seals"?), and you'll be the victim of his wicked war against animals.

Do you think Jesus really wants to come back to Earth and listen to this drivel? What would Jesus do? WWJD? He would banish Mike Spalla to hell ... hell, I tell you.

Happy Holidays from Ebeneezer Go-Heavily

Oops I Did It Again

2006-12-11T12:46:00.000-06:00

When one of your annoying relatives irritates your e-mail inbox with particularly bothersome attachments, they often feature chain mail photo montages with a specific theme. One of the these is the obligatory FUNNY CHURCH SIGNS message. Well, here are a few that I find hilarious, so as to spare you from having delete 'em from your inbox:

At least these believers are honest!

I had no idea our boy Turtledaub went BORN AGAIN. At least he's staying true to his punk rock roots.

Okay, so none of these are real. I am exploiting a website (as you can tell by the inconspicuously present links) called Church Sign Generator. But reports about Britney Spears' demise are true. Like Paris Hilton and, ahem, my former love interest, Britney Spears has dropped out of the human fold due to her perpetual irrelevancy. Aside from making bare midriffs cool and her early career talent for tantalizing pervy old men with her Lolita-jailbait charm, her computer-aided voice (CAV), bad choice in marital material, and wonderful parenting skills have distracted us long enough. So Bye Bye Britney.

Do Me Baby

2006-11-22T17:23:00.000-06:00

This is a call for book proposals. If you were going to kill Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, how would you have done it?

Seriously, is this the craziest idea in the history of double jeopardy?

And now, thanks to Bill O'Reilly, we will never know how OJ Simpson would have done it.

Post Seriously, I might have to admit that I agree with ol' Billy on this one. Usually, the only thing we agree on is that breathing is good. From there, we're split on everything. So you can see why this really pains me ... though not nearly as much as getting stabbed 64910 times by Nordberg.

Nashville

2006-11-21T19:25:00.000-06:00

RIP Robert Altman (1925-2006)

Possible Elitists High on Coffee and Cloves salute the recently deceased director of many fine films, including MASH (1970), Nashville (1975), 3 Women (1977), The Player (1992) and Short Cuts (1993).

Love is the Drug

2006-11-16T14:19:00.000-06:00

Fortunately, one of the reasons for P.Kitty's recent disappearing act did NOT happen to involve bestial-necrophilia. A 20-year old man from Wisconsin was recently arrested for having sex with a deer. Insert witty pun here. Now, what makes this all the more newsworthy is that the deer was dead. Kinky. The defendant's lawyer, Frederic Anderson, is claiming that no crime was committed because Wisconsin does not have a statute that clearly delineates if having sex with a dead deer constitutes sex with a deer because it is dead. First off, I want this lawyer. This guy is a real genius. His loophole-identification skills are top-notch. Second, he is a pure romantic. He truly believes that LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDS. And there's some story in the news about the Democrats wrangling over some position that nobody cares about. This is the real news. LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

Also, speaking of Sacha Baron Cohen, aka Borat Sagdiyev, a recent poll in the Washington Post Express asked readers if the victims of Borat's pranks should sue the performance artist/comedian for damages. Fortunately, DC readers are sharp (at least this time they are) and 75% said NO. If his "victims" are dumb enough to be their unfiltered selves in front of a stranger just because there is a camera nearby, then they deserve all the embarrassment they get.

Beware of flying feces

2006-11-14T20:11:00.000-06:00

I've just been hit in the face with a turd. It's not the kind of thing that happens to me every day. It's also not the reason I have been absent from ye olde blog of late--the reason for that was that during election season in the USA either Holly or I had to go to an "undisclosed location" and I lost the coin toss. But as to the flying feces, I'm of course talking about the latest offering from America's favorite cinematic son Martin Scorsese, The Departed (2006). Thankfully Leonardo DiCaprio was present to wipe the shit from my eyes, but that was no small task with Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon, and a rabble of others continually reapplying it. I know it may be a bit much to slog everyone's hollywood award favorite. But I have to, if for no other reason than to give props to the new film sensation of the world, Borat (2006). Is Borat the incestuous gay lovechild of Andy Kaufman's "foreign guy" and Tony Clifton personas, guesting on "The Daily Show?" I guess I don't know, but dammit I want...need...to find out. If there's one message all you loyal readers should take from all this though is that after seeing Borat, I'm convinced that there might be worse fates than being hit with a turd. Much worse. Much, much worse. I'll leave it at that.

Cheap Trick

2006-11-06T19:45:00.000-06:00

According to BBSNews, a phenomenon dubbed "robocalls"--telemarketing phone messages sent out by the National Republican Campaign Committee to smear rival Democratic candidates--is "another dirty Karl Rove trick."

Karl Rove, in case you do not know, is the Deputy Chief of Staff to George W. Bush, and is the Republican Party's leading political strategist. He is one of the worst types of people: a brilliant individual who uses his intelligence to secure huge sums of money for the giant corporations whose interests he works to protect at the expense of the lower- and middle-classes who are made to believe the strategies he concocts. He is a cynical politician whose lobbying and political architecture yields real results on real living human beings -- all to line the coffers of the interests he serves. And, for the record, I guarantee you he is not a Christian, though he passes for one at every available photo-op. He just uses the cache Christianity has among post-Reagan Republicans to get them to vote for the war machines he represents.

Okay. I'm done sounding like a run-of-the-mill Democratic candidate running for Senate, Congress or Governor in 2006.

The only reason I'm writing this is because I'm tired of the Democrats blaming every thing that puts them at a disadvantage on Karl Rove. Now, keep in mind, I really dislike Karl Rove. But is he really responsible for "robocalling"? Is he responsible for moving Saddam Hussein's death penalty verdict until the Sunday before Election Day so as to give Bush and the Republicans a subtle boost in the polls? A new book by James Moore and Wayne Slater, whoever they are, claims he is entirely responsible for President Bush winning both presidential elections and that he was able to convince gay Republicans that they are publicly anti-gay (re: Mark Foley). I'm sure he was probably responsible for hooking up the Virginia Republican Senatorial candidate George Allen's campaign with those saucy excerpts from the novels of his Democratic opponent Jim Webb. A new study by Holly Go-Heavily has concluded he's also responsible for global warming, the rising (and falling) prices of unleaded gasoline, Dick Cheney's invincible pacemaker, placing the monolith found on the moon in 2001: A Space Odyssey, the recent collapse at the "Big Dig" in Boston, the tyranny of the New York Yankees over Major League Baseball, the popularity of American Idol, and pop-up ads.

Sure, Karl Rove is brilliant, but there's no way his hands can be in that many pots -- at least pots not filled with fattening foods. (Have you seen the guy? He needs to lose some pounds.)

So, go out and vote tomorrow. Or, don't vote. Why should I care? It's either vote for cynical opportunists (this goes for Democrats and Republicans) who seek to build up their self-esteem by winning a popularity contest for the special interests that will keep them up to their necks in country club memberships and high-priced, plastic-chested, perfectly waxed pussy, or simply opt out of your responsibility as an American citizen. Not much of a choice, huh? The only vote that should count this year is the vote for apathy. Vote for apathy, people. VOTE FOR APATHY BECAUSE ... YOU CARE!!!

Beliefs

2006-11-01T12:47:00.000-06:00

A surefire story for The Daily Show's "This Week in God" segment, there is a new article that suggests 42% of Americans are sure that God exists. 76% of Protestants, 64% of Catholics and 30% of Jews are certain there is a God (a God that is either male, female, asexual or hermaphroditic). Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought having faith meant actually believing in it.

What's in a Name?

2006-10-19T11:54:00.000-05:00

The new album by Yo La Tengo, a band that has been kickin'-it indie-style for over 20 years, has the best album title since ... well, ever. Cannibal Corpse released an EP called Hammer Smashed Face back in 1993 which held the crown for many years. Consider that Yo La Tengo has had some of the corniest album names in history--I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One (1997) and And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out (1999)--titles that only Morrissey could churn out if he worked for the Hallmark Greeting Card Company. Now, in 2006, they have unleashed upon the world a decent, but not great album called ... I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass!!!! Can you imagine Ira Kaplan beating anyone's ass? Yeah, now you see what it's such a great title.

Touch Me

2006-10-05T08:03:00.000-05:00

Because of recent events, many Republicans running for congressional seats have had to change their campaign strategy. Congressman Eric Cantor of Virginia, take my professional advice. This should be your new campaign slogan:

Reasons to re-elect Congressman Cantor in 2006:

1. Will not raise your taxes
2. Will not cut and run from Iraq
3. WILL NOT HAVE I.M. SEX WITH UNDERAGE BOYS!!!!

Fat Albert?

2006-10-03T10:15:00.000-05:00

Once again, it's time for Holly's baseball postseason awards and predictions!

American League
MVP:
1. Derek Jeter, SS, New York Yankees
--(14 HR, 97 RBI, .343 BA) He carried the best team in baseball in the second half of the season. With great baserunning (34 SBs), the AL's second best batting average and what is likely to be his third Gold Glove at short stop, the Yankees' team captain gets my vote of confidence.
2. David Ortiz, DH, Boston Red Sox
--(54 HR, 137 RBI, .287 BA) Despite another epic season of power, Ortiz just misses out, again, to another Yankee (it was A-Rod's award last year). The games he missed because of a heart palpitation coincided with their slide from first place. Because he doesn't play in the field that often, he is a more one-dimensional player than the great Yankees shortstop.
3. Johann Santana, P, Minnesota Twins
--(19-6, 2.77 ERA, 245 Ks) Responsible for the Twins ascension to first place on the last day of the regular season. He is easily the best pitcher in baseball today. He won the major league pitching triple crown (most wins, best ERA and most strikeouts).

Cy Young:
Who cares? Johann Santana owns this category, so any other name in the discussion is just silly. I'm sure there will be a fight over second place, which will probably go to the Yankees' Chien-Ming Wang (19-6, 3.63 ERA, 76 Ks).

Rookie of the Year:
1. Justin Verlander, P, Detroit Tigers
--(17-9, 3.63 ERA, 124 Ks) This young upstart finished fourth in the league in wins and seventh in ERA for a suprising Tigers team. Though he would have lost, at various points in the season, to Francisco Liriano and Jonathan Papelbon (Boston Red Sox), they both got injured and Verlander lasted. Therefore, by virtue of his great season and being the last man standing, the award will be his. Also worthy of consideration: Jered Weaver (Los Angeles Angels).
2. Jonathan Papelbon, P, Boston Red Sox
--(4-2, 0.92 ERA, 75 Ks, 35 saves) Was leading the league in all relief pitching categories until he went down in August. Just look at that sick ERA.
3. Francisco Liriano, P, Minnesota Twins
--(12-3, 2.16 ERA, 144 Ks) Was leading the league in wins and ERA before he went down with injuries. If he was still in the rotation, the Twins would probably be the clear cut favorite for the World Series.

National League
MVP:
1. Albert Pujols, 1B, St. Louis Cardinals
--(49 HR, 137 RBI, .331 BA) Establishing career highs in homers and RBI, Pujols single-handedly kept the Cardinals from falling out of the playoffs. He is the most fearsome hitter in the game, and, sadly, doesn't have the protection in the lineup that Howard has in Philly.
2. Ryan Howard, 1B, Philadelphia Phillies
--(58 HR, 149 RBI, .313 BA) Howard followed up his Rookie of the Year season with one for the ages, producing the most home runs for a second year player in history, and the most home runs in baseball since Bonds and Sosa both topped 60 in 2001. And those longballs weren't solely the result of playing in baseball's tiniest park ... he hit half of them on the road. Unfortunately, his big season wasn't enough to get the Phillies into the postseason.
3. Who cares? There's not really anybody else that deserves to be in the conversation. I'm sure a few third place votes will go to Lance Berkman (1B, Houston Astros) and Alfonso Soriano (OF, Washington Nationals).

Cy Young:
First of all, this is easily the worst class of pitchers in many a long time. There was a six-way tie for the league lead in victories: 16! So, this one will actually be interesting.
1. Trevor Hoffman, P, San Diego Padres
--(0-2, 2.14 ERA, 50Ks, 46 saves) He might be the first CyYoung with zero wins! Also, this award is more of a career achievement award (like Pujols' ill-deserved MVP last year), which is nice considering he broke the all-time saves record this year. Also, he's the best player on a playoff team that doesn't produce that many runs, so his saves are vital for their success.
2. Chris Carpenter, P, St. Louis Cardinals
--(15-8, 3.09 ERA, 184 Ks) This would have been his if he didn't blow his last two starts, which coincided with the Cardinals freefall late in the season. There is a slight chance he will win two consecutive Cy Young Awards.
3. Brandon Webb, P, Arizona Diamondbacks
--(16-8, 3.10 ERA, 178 Ks) Like Randy Johnson in 2004, Webb would have won the award if he was not on a last place team. He will only get better.

Rookie of the Year:
1. Ryan Zimmerman, 3B, Washington Nationals
--(20 HR, 110 RBI, .287 BA) Sure Zim was on a last place Nationals team, but he provided clutch hit after clutch hit during his rookie campaign.
2. Dan Uggla, 2B, Florida Marlins
--(27 HR, 90 RBI, .282 BA) He set the record for most HRs by a rookie second baseman. That alone might get him the award, despite his late season slump.
3. Henley Ramirez, OF, Florida Marlins
--(17 HR, 59 RBI, .292 BA, 51 SB) Another young upstart on the Marlins, he proved himself to be one of baseball's best leadoff hitters
Also worthy of consideration, Prince Fielder (1B, Milwaukee Brewers).

Postseason Predictions:

Oakland vs. Minnesota: Minnesota
New York Yankees vs. Detroit: New York Yankees
New York Mets vs. Los Angeles Dodgers: Los Angeles Dodgers
San Diego vs. St. Louis: San Diego

New York Yankees vs. Minnesota: New York Yankees
San Diego vs. Los Angeles Dodgers: Los Angeles Dodgers

New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Dodgers: New York Yankees

Yep. This should be the year the Yankees return to as World Series champs. I'm still rooting for the Cardinals though (I don't think they have a chance ... but I can dream).

Planet Claire

2006-09-07T10:56:00.000-05:00

Isn't it goofy that Pluto is no longer considered a planet?

When Celebrity Lookalikes Go Wrong

2006-08-25T19:16:00.000-05:00

Anybody notice how the star of Michael Powell's controversial, intriguing, disturbing, excessively Freudian, but woefully neglected film Peeping Tom (1960), Carl Boehm,

looks just like the man who recently confessed to killing America's decade-long pedophilic fascination, JonBenet Ramsey:

Speaking of how "fucked" beauty pageants and the creepy parents that willingly sexualize their six-year old girls are, see Little Miss Sunshine, one of the better film released so far this year.

Mrs. Cat

2006-08-22T08:07:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Paper Cat is a very classy lassy. I know, you know it, and the Marican people know it. Mostly that's because it's airbrushed on this T-shirt she always wears. While the genius of Jean-Luc Godard and John Cassavetes may elude her at times (can you believe she called him Jen-Luc Dullard?), she does have one undeniable talent: she's a puzzle genius.

In other words, she's damn good at Super Collapse! 3. This makes up for the fact that she has already thrown her monetary support at Snakes On a Plane.

Soap

2006-08-18T13:12:00.000-05:00

Seriously, people. This is Holly, writing this entry from the smoggy glow of the Inland Empire in Southern California, warning you to beware of the hype surrounding Snakes on a Plane.

1. You should not care about this movie because it (probably) sucks.
2. By paying to see it, you are encouraging Hollywood to make even more shitty films.
3. Samuel L. Jackson says "motherfucker" more eloquently in other films (I direct you to immediately [re-]watch Pulp Fiction [1994]).

Admittedly, I am curious about the following things:

1. Will the plane crash? :)
2. How can this film be longer than eight minutes?
3. Little known fact--Holly HATES snakes. Therefore, will Samuel L. actually kill all the motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane? If not, I want my money back -- and I haven't even bought a ticket.
3. Why can't the Internet do this for films that might actually contribute to the artistic sensibilities of moviegoers, cineastes or other people looking for beauty in unlikely places? Why no big Internet hoopla over There Will Be Blood or The Fountain?

Let this entry start it.

Wahhhh!

2006-08-14T07:41:00.000-05:00

Hipsters like Holly and me don't generally have much time for television. We all know that the best shows get canceled quickly anyway. But if you're a bored hipster with cable, you're probably watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia before it gets canceled. I know I am. It's pretty clearly the new Seinfeld for Generation X (and I mean the gen x that has nothing to do with Billy Idol).

I'm convinced that the Sunny character Charlie is about the best thing on TV right now. You better catch him on the season two finale this week. Don't miss it! Who knows, it might get canceled soon...

Sugar

2006-07-31T13:05:00.000-05:00

Cake is wonderful. So is T-Bone steak. Therefore, the idea of a T-Bone Cake gives Holly total nipple-boners (or a massive heart attack). Check this out:

http://www.velcrohead.com/vashti/baking/meatcake/

Mashed potato icing and the all-important inclusion of Worcestershire Sauce? Amazing!!! This is more titillating than the news of Mel Gibson's recent run-in with the law. Not only will the people who considered The Passion of the Christ (2004) anti-semitic feel vindicated by his drunken tirade, they will also respect his drunken male chauvinism, when he drunkenly referred to a female police officer as "Sugartits" in his state of drunkenness.

Let the gorging commence.

The Lovecats

2006-07-19T15:21:00.000-05:00

I was so worried that the Paper Cat might show up on the Cats That Look Like Hitler website. Apparently, it is tre-hip, especially for those allergic to cat dander. For the record, though, P. Kitty has never treated me in a fascistic manner, except for when he attempted to make it a universal edict that EVERYBODY must visit the Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh. Normally, I wouldn't mind, because Warhol is doooooope! but, apparently, Hitler and Warhol have at least one thing in common, and that, of course, frightens me, being a radical anti-Hitlerian.

Holly's preliminary research, however, has not been able to find a cat that looks like Ann Coulter, though the famous blogger Conservative Cat does have an affinity with that sleek right-wing banshee of justice. I was, however, able to find a pooch with more than a striking resemblance to the unmarried writer.

With this post, I will continue the PEHOCAC tradition of posting "living obituaries." Last year, the late Paris Hilton died. Since Ms. Coulter refuses to return my phone calls (it was too good for ya, wadn't it, baby?), and because she would defend George Bush if he were to, I don't know, say, eat a baby (of course, she'd point out that the baby was probably going to be a liberal because its parents voted for Howard Dean in the Iowa primary, therefore Bush's hypothetical act of pedo-cannibalism would be justified), I officially pronounce her dead. Bwwwaaaaakkkk!*

RIP Ann Coulter (1961-2006)
One of the stipulations in her will is that she is never again to be mentioned on this very blog (plug!!!). We here at PEHOCAC will respect her estate and abide by this decree.

*The sound of a parrot.

The kitler files

2006-07-18T17:00:00.000-05:00

Due to the overwhelming popularity of links to websites about cat stuff, I am pleased to present:

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

Holly, are there any sites for cats that look like Ann Coulter? Wait, I don't want to know. THAT would be scary.

Huzza!

2006-07-17T16:06:00.000-05:00

I have discovered that Heavy Metal Parking Lot (1986) is now out on DVD. So finally, you can see crisp, clean images of Judas Priest fans in all their zebra print spandex suit glory and all the girls who go ga-ga for Rob Halford. Sorry, but you still can't see anyone with a full set of teeth or a high school diploma.

Truthiness is a noun

2006-07-15T15:05:00.000-05:00

Perusing the gripe site Wikitruth, I couldn't help be amused by what a PEHOCACtruth site might look like. You know, it would be one of those sites where the disgruntled masses of the lame, the unhip, and Holly's lesbian girlfriend Ann Coulter would all wage a mudslinging campaign against the providers of the brilliant insights posted regularly on this very site. Yeah, I can't help but think there would be some tumbleweeds drifting though THAT kind of site, if even. It would probably get as many laughs as Stephen Colbert's White House Correspondents Dinner keynote speech, i.e., none.

Don't lose your head

2006-07-15T13:22:00.000-05:00

Syd Barrett may be dead, but that's no reason to go and lose your head. I mean, don't let a PART OF YOUR SKULL FALL OFF. It could happen to you, even if you aren't 132 years old yet.

I was browsing around the interweb the other day. I was surprised when I came across a web site exposing the shocking truths about everyone's second favorite blogger (after Holly). But on close inspection, the web site stuffonmycat.com has nothing to do with me.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

2006-07-11T14:32:00.000-05:00

PEHOCAC pays tribute to the life of Syd Barrett (1946-2006).

My favorite Syd Barrett composition: "See Emily Play" (1967), featured on the second single released by Pink Floyd.

Most memorable Syd Barrett moment: The last two minutes of "Opel" (1970; 1988), the saddest song I've ever heard in my life. Possibly singing about himself, he drones in a vacant, distant voice, "I'm tryyyyyying to fiiiiiiind you."

Holly recommends Pink Floyd's The Piper at the Gates of Dawn (1967), Syd Barrett's The Madcap Laughs (1970) and Pink Floyd's 1967: the First Three Singles (1997).

Blinded Eyes of the World

2006-06-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

Speaking of strange bedfellows (not just involving those romantically linked to yours truly), not only is one of the Bush daughters a Radiohead fan, but Ann Coulter is--apparently--a fan of the Grateful Dead, according to Taylor Hill of jambands.com. Now I cannot confirm whether this story is true or a clever ruse, like the story that circulated a few years back that Lemmy from Motorhead was gay, but if this is true, it is rather hilarious.

One more thing: P-Kitty's favorite hoops star, Minnesota Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin, was reportedly (get this!) watching porn while driving, masturbating while driving, and drunk while driving when he crashed his car in late March of this year. While I am thoroughly impressed with his ability to multitask, if a story like that about me ever got out, I would be blushing for about twenty years. Wow!

Go Wolves!

One of Us

2006-06-20T15:09:00.000-05:00

Radiohead fans ... have you seen either of these girls at their most recent gigs?

It turns out that Thom Yorke--a classic Bush-hater, bless his heart--has an unlikely fan. If you thought Radiohead's lyrics and music (especially the stuff on Kid A/Amnesiac) were confusing, imagine Yorke's reaction to his newest demographic: the Bush twins.

This got us here at PEHOCAC thinkin' (like we alwayz duz): what if the Bush twins are fans of ye olde Paper Cat and Holly Go-Heavily? So long as they aren't using NSA wiretap privileges to monitor our highly bemused, amused txt msg debates about the relative merits of Chuck Taylors and Checkered Lowtop Vans Loafers or talking about how cool their father would be on Halloween as a Robot Pirate, then we guess it's cool ... right?

No Matter What

2006-06-14T09:45:00.000-05:00

Hey there everybody. There are a few pieces of important news on all the cool kids' minds right now. First, the bad news: Gyorgi Ligeti, the great avant-garde composer responsibile for Artikulation (1958), Atmospheres (1961) and Lux Aeterna (1966), passed away on Monday at the age of 73. Second, more bad news: Paul McCartney is getting divorced from his second wife, Heather Mills. Their marriage lasted two albums :(

Now every single Beatle has been divorced. This will give Sir Paul many new opportunities to work on his mix-CD skillz for the ladies. If he sends me one, I just hope it doesn't include "Temporary Secretary."

Even more bad news--Let's face it, my peeps: the whole ninja/pirate/zombie/robot thing is DEAD, over and done with, just like the whole Chuck Norris thing. Using these subversive (well, their primary goals are to maim, kill or [double entendre alert] steal your booty) characters ironically just to mock one's own hardcore pacifism has generated plenty of humor over the years. I've made plenty of jokes at the expense of these societal degenerates. But the time has come to move on. Now people are becoming so lazy in their use of this humor device that they are combining them: the Ninja Pirate, the Zombie Robot and the Robot Ninja Zombie Pirate have been making appearances at Belle and Sebastian record release parties and anti-war protests for months now. And, yeah, the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

I get it. What Holly is saying is that it is time to move on. What next then? you may ask. Well, Holly Go-Heavily has a few suggestions for making funny ironic small talk. Option #1: childlike references to fecal matter:

Doody Knife, from the Chicago metropolitan area, rivals The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes as the greatest fake band ever. Notice how they are many things, but, most especially, a "knife used to cut poop"? I thought you'd might. That's funny shit (drum roll please)!!!

Option #2: Lobsters and/or crabs. These pinchy little critters have long been a comedy staple in the G0-Heavily household. Unlike zombies or ninjas, they are not lethal -- merely annoying (ouch!). Woody Allen already exploited the lobster for a few yuks in Annie Hall (1977), and since it's cool to like Woody Allen again, I suggest making cryptic/paranoid remarks about "that dedicated amphibious militia of copper-plated Patriot Lobsters" the next time you're out on a pub crawl. Things will go just that much more swimmingly!

EVIL EVIL EVIL

2006-06-06T18:06:00.000-05:00

Holly Go-Heavily is using her iTunes for evil today. I created a Slayer playlist.

Right now, their soulful ballad "War Ensemble" is playing. Ah ... feel the Dark Lord do the robot over your dancefloor face!

Speaking of the devil

Ann Coulter's latest book, Godless: the Church of Liberalism, came out today. Once again, Coulter's absolute, unquestionable genius is on display. You would have to go to a Fundamentalist Christian hotbed like Cornell University (as she did) to theorize that liberalism is "like a religion" for liberals. Wow ... I never, EVER, thought that religion and ideology had anything in common--being systems of belief and all. What a breakthrough, Ann.

One thing that Ann never tells the talk shows (she only says this stuff to me when Michelle Malkin and a bottle of Ketel One are around, and we've, uh, well, let's just say that I don't kiss/chew/peg-and-tell) is that she is godless too. She is one of those Ivy League conservatives that plays to the hopes and fears of the Christian conservatives in the US, though she (secretly) hates them. You'll never find her at a Waffle House in Kentucky on a Sunday at noon after church, that's for sure. She's usually too hung over to go to church on Sunday anyway. It's more like conservatism and cocktail parties are her church. Crazy. Maybe somebody should call up Al Franken and tell him I've got his next book idea. Join Holly, the Paper Cat and Ann Coulter in saying "Hail Satan" on this day of our Dark Lord 06-06-06.

Critical Beatdown

2006-06-06T15:54:00.000-05:00

The haters are in full effezzeck today. Some of y'all might want to watch out:

Fat bank

2006-06-05T21:59:00.000-05:00

Holly, I was just thinking about how goddamn useful your link to the virtual stapler was. Unlike you, I think it's great. I was thinking about how much time it saves me by always having a stapler handy wherever I have web access. But once the ol' wheels got spinning in my head, there was no stopping them. I had my own great idea. I call it my virtual web site. It's located on the door to my living room. That way, I don't have to even have a computer to get on this interweb thing. It's right there...on my door.

This virtual web site idea could make me rich. But even if it doesn't, I think both of use will be set $$$-wise. That is, with our stock options and everything, we'll be what you call "well off". I bet Turtledaub wishes he got in on the ground floor of this PEHOCAC thing after all!

Eraserhead

2006-06-01T13:26:00.000-05:00

Welcome to June, folks. It's five days and counting until the National Day of Slayer!!!

Sorry for being absent lately folks. We've been awfully busy. The ceremony celebrating my ASE-machinist certification finally happened. All these people followed me along

and afterward we listened to records back at my place. The Paper Cat has been trying to find ways of expressing his opinion about the newly-leaked Thom Yorke album, The Eraser (2006).

He told me to relay the following message: "Don't worry folks. It's just like Hail to the Thief ... even more so!" Turtledaub has been trolling the craigslist missed connections for hot "m4w" action.

In the meantime, I'm listening to the latest Johnny Cash collection, Personal Files (2006). It's absolutely wonderful, maninblackalicious stuff for the people who actually liked him before Walk the Line (2005) came out on DVD.

The 26th Annual Ian Curtis Memorial Fish-Fry

2006-05-16T20:27:00.000-05:00

The hard-working staff at PEHOCAC is taking a break from its hectic schedule to pay tribute to our fallen comrade Ian Curtis, former frontman for Joy Division, who committed suicide twenty-six years ago (May 19, 1980). The deep-voiced singer turned the energy of late-70s UK punk inward, resulting in some of the most vulnerable, sad and haunting lyrics and sounds to grace the landscape of "rock" music up to that point. In the years following his death, Joy Division, who made two great albums (Unknown Pleasures [1979] and Closer [1980]) and several great singles (including "Love Will Tear Us Apart" and "Transmission"), and have inspired countless groups, including some of their contemporaries (such as the Cure) and newer acts like Interpol. The remaining members of Joy Division formed New Order, who also know how to rock a party. Holly and the P.Kitty urge you to celebrate, enjoy some catfish, some cod, some sturgeon, or any other fish that remind you of Ian Curtis. He will be missed, but at least those of us who are hear can eat some tasty fish in his honor.

Goths beware

2006-05-10T16:56:00.000-05:00

This is an important public service announcement from PEHOCAC: don't dress like a goth kid (or metalhead) in Arkansas. Otherwise, you may be put on death row for crimes you didn't commit. The is especially important as we approach the National Day of Slayer in June.

The Sacred Words of Praise, "HAIL SATAN"

2006-05-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

Mark (of the beast) your calendars, my minions. Tuesday, June 6, is going to be a special day, the kind of day that only comes around once every hundred years. That date will be 06-06-06, or, the mark of the unholy one. As a result, some people are starting to worry.

However, if you feel like celebrating this evil occasion, Holly recommends partaking in the National Day of Slayer, where evil will reign supreme together with the soothing sounds of Tom Araya's vocals and the dueling Mephistos of the electric guitar: Kerry King and Jeff Hannemann. And, if you are truly inspired, borrow an idea from the people organizing the National Day of Slayer: "Kill the neighbor's dog and blame it on Slayer."

To make this date even more special, that same Tuesday, if you need some evil reading material, m'lady Ann Coulter's new book Godless: the Church of Liberalism will be released. Coincidence?

[now playing on the PEHOCAC groovebox: Sun Ra and His Astro-Infinity Arkestra, "Lemuria" (1969)]

Columbine-style Massacre

2006-05-02T11:34:00.000-05:00

The gentler kind of massacre: the state flower of Colorado--the Columbine.

PS: Maybe the "experts" should use a different phrase when referring to high school mass-murder/suicide plots.

[now playing on the PEHOCAC groovebox: Takako Minekawa, "1.666666" (1997)]

Nuthin' but a "G"(oth) Thang

2006-04-29T11:59:00.000-05:00

We here at PEHOCAC don't pay nearly enough attention to the greatest sub-set of hipster culture: the goths. Their Christ-like mission to take on all our suffering should be highly commended. They got a bad rap after the Columbine High massacre seven years ago, which was totally underserved. Also, many of their living heroes--Robert Smith, Peter Murphy and Siouxsie Sioux, just to name a few--have not aged well. Petey Boy can't do that deltoid stretch like he used to, and Bobby, you're not fooling anybody with that "Robert Smith wig."

But not to worry. The goths are well-represented today. Even if Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson are way past their prime, we have the slight mainstreaming of goth to behold in the films of the Wachowski Brothers and the "burlesque" shows of the Suicide Girls, who prove that the only difference between goth exhibitionists and their airbrushed Playboy counterparts is that they prefer tattoos and piercings to "guys who bungee jump."

Despite my snide commentary in that last sentence, so what if goth kids are "into their appearance" and kind of shallow. Who isn't? The next time you're with your hipster friends and make some sorta hilarious reference to the superhuman strength of Chuck Norris, who in your heart of hearts you know isn't worth the humor you create at his expense (seriously folks, the Chuck Norris thing is so three-months ago), tell me you're not. If it wasn't for goth kids, I wouldn't be here today, blogging my way to mediocrity (though I see nothing but bright lights ahead in the field of instant replay officiating for P. Kitty). By embracing the things that scare most people--death, pain, darkness, the Damned's music after 1980--and with a theatricality that calls attention our very human need to express ourselves in the way we dress ourselves (oh yeah, rhyme pays, baby), I salute the Gothic Kids (and, in some instances, Parents) of the World.

Now I'll turn out the lights, light one solitary white candle, and listen to "The Eternal" by Joy Division. "Procession moves on / the shouting is over ... "

[now playing on the PEHOCAC groovebox: Maria Kleigel/J.S. Bach, "Suite No. 1 in G major, BMV 1007: Gigue" (2005)]

The people/s style guide

2006-04-28T07:38:00.000-05:00

In order to set the record straight, PEHOCAC is proud to release it's official style guide. It//s appropriately titled, "The People's Style Guide For Modern Hipsters and Asscoiated Lesser Beings, First Edition." And it's edited by none other than Holly Go-Heavily and The Paper Cat, a/k/a P-Kitty. Copies are available for the reasonable price-in-trade of one 1978 Chevrolet El Camino Super Sport. In case you have trouble procuring one of those, here are some of the popular highlights:

- When citing another source, it is appropriate to Gizoogle the shisznit out of it.

- Punctuation goes outside quotation marks when the quotation marks surround a term of art.

- The name Possible Elitists High On Coffee and Cloves or PEHOCAC is always to be liseted in boldface and in yellow.

- Any number of slashes (///) can be optionally substituted for an apostrophe (') at any time--Hubert Selby, Jr. style.

- "Also Known As" can be abbreviated as "a/k/a" or "a.k.a."

- Never stoop the level of the uncool. If necessary, rewrite all these rules to stay ahead of the curve.

And don't forget the catch-all: for any issues not specifically addressed by the People's Style Guide, refer to materials from the course "Sun Ra 171" as taught at UC-Berkeley.

Of mice and crazy scientologists

2006-04-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

Holly, I've known for a long time that Tom Cruise is crazy. But I mean, haven't you seen Taps (1981) too?

The Andy Warhol Friendship Taco

2006-04-21T09:00:00.000-05:00

Occasionally, readers might get the impression that the scribes at PEHOCAC don't get along. He likes Brian Jones, I like Mick Taylor. He has a signed portrait of R. Buckminster Fuller. I have a white silk thong with the lipstick traces of Ann Coulter. Alas, we are common people with large ideas and clothing that looks like it should cost 95% less than we paid for it. That is why I want Paper Cat to know that he is my friend.

You Can Be My Wingman Anytime

2006-04-18T16:27:00.000-05:00

It's official. Tom Cruise is completely insane.

What's the Deal with the Rope?

2006-04-18T09:55:00.000-05:00

It seems the new fashion gear for those "hipster" kids -- you know, the ones who "discovered" the Strokes after they appeared on the MTV Music Awards -- is drawing its inspiration from an old computer game: Oregon Trail.

I see this shirt everywhere. It's the goddamn "Vote for Pedro" of 2006. WTF? I say while we're on this kick that we revive other 80s computer games for kick ass T-shirt ideas. Where's my Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? T-shirt. More importantly, I want a Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards one. That would kick serious ass.

Rewind it yrself

2006-04-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

I want to talk about my past career as an instant replay official. It was a special time in my life. I felt I was actually making a difference in the world. I wasn't wasting my time feeding starving children or discovering renewable energy sources. My wistful days and hot summer nights were spent assuring technical compliance with arbitrary sporting rules. You better believe that no touchdowns were awarded on my watch when the ball carrier didn't actually break the plane of the goal line. I can say that my experience as an instant replay official pretty much directly lead to my membership of the hipster softball team. It certainly dwarfs my short stint as a dramatic reenactment actor for documentary films. But Holly, does our softball team have a sponsor yet? If not, it might be time to hit up Chico's Bail Bonds. I hear they support only the finest in athletic teams.

On a Plain

2006-04-07T14:07:00.000-05:00

Snakes on a Plane, that is.

The hoopla around this soon-to-be-crappy film, worth it for the ridiculous title and for the possibility of Samuel L. Jackson saying, "Mmm mmm bitch, there're a bunch of snakes on this muthafuckin' plane," got Holly to thinking about so-bad-their-awesome films she's seen. (By the way, this would make for good small talk when you're out runnin' the basepaths for Irony & White, Paper Cat -- hint hint.)

--Black Dog (1998): This film stars Patrick Swayze, Meatloaf and Randy Travis. 'Nuff Said.

--Anaconda (1997): Ice Cube opens the film by quoting a line from one of his songs ("Damn it was a good day") and ends it telling the worst CGI snake ever (blog theme tie-in!), "That's right bitch."

--Superman III (1983): Richard Pryor and Superman team up to defeat Superman. What?

--Bones (2001): This Snoop Dogg/Pam Grier vehicle, supposedly a horror film, has a startling central thesis; we loved our neighborhood better before crack infiltrated it and we engaged in the wholesome art of pimping.

--Passenger 57 (1992): Yay, another blog theme tie-in. Except this one stars Wesley Snipes, who can't act his way out of a wet paperbag. Involves a genius terrorist who is British. Come on now. That's not realistic (insert appropriate ironic emoticon here).

Get out your PBR's, invent drinking games, and get sloppy drunk watching shitty movies. What better way to waste brain cells ... other than watching American Idol ... or huffing gasoline.

PS: Pour out some of the PBR in honor of this beautiful soul.

No joy in tvland

2006-04-05T08:41:00.000-05:00

Anybody out there sick of having all the good TV shows ruined, cancelled, or otherwise shit on by "the man"? As if it weren't enough that Arrested Development went downhill it's last season before finally being booted, with its many, many awards in tow. Really, that's just one of the more recent examples. Some of us, though, will remember the brief but brilliant lifespans of shows like Freaks and Geeks, TV Nation, The Critic, Battlestar Galactica, The Job, The Tick, The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley, and the queen mother of them all: Get a Life starring the great Chris Elliott. I bet Chris Elliott is great at softball...jokes.

Slow-Pitch Hipster Softball

2006-04-03T21:50:00.000-05:00

I asked the Paper Cat several times, but he refuses to play on my hipster softball team, Irony & Whine. I won biggest battle of all -- who'd get to play "left field," as hipsters are always striving to be more left-field than each other. Hey, I've got good range out there, and when I refer to V for Vendetta, I'm not talking about that Wachowski Brothers movie or that Alan Moore comic.

One of the least hip people on the team (he actually played a real varsity sport -- baseball -- in high school) suggested we get these shirts. Laaaaaaame. I suggest this one.

Ultimately, though, Irony & Whine needs a ringer. I suggest this fine fine specimen:

Hoist the flag

2006-03-26T19:40:00.000-06:00

It's time to discuss the relative merits of the Black Flag back catalog. It's also a chance to start a new chain e-mail! Be sure to cut and paste it into an e-mail to everyone you know. Or else, of course, you'll get the curse:

1. Who was their best vocalist?
2. What was their best full-length or EP?
3. What's your favorite release?
4. Does anyone care what Henry Rollins has to say about anything?
5. Can Black Flag even remotely compare to the Pipe Bomb Cigarettes?
6. What did or would your parents think about you listening to Black Flag as a kid?
7. Best Blag Flag member side project, spin-off, or band that supplied a Flag member?
8. Biggest douchebag in the band?
9. Best Flag song to fuck to?
10.Just how cool a name is Robo anyway?
11.Could Black Flag have beaten Prince & The Revolution in a basketball game in 1984?

Here are my answers:
1. Hank
2. Damaged
3. My War
4. Yes.
5. No.
6. Horror. Disgust.
7. Descendents
8. so many, many choices.
9. "Revenge" from Jealous Again, but only because it's under a minute long.
10.sorta nifty.
11.Oh hell no. Dudes can ball, man.

21 Questions

2006-03-24T21:27:00.000-06:00

The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes are recording their third album, A Tree Falls in the Forest, and are looking for lyrics. The gimmick is that they already have song titles -- all "inspired" by the 50 Cent song "21 Questions" (2003). So, here they are:

1. "Do You Think About Other Women Now that I Have a Malignant Tumor?"
2. "How Can I Get a Job as the Person that Gives Porno Films Their Names?"
3. "Has Anybody Heard the New Scott Stapp Album?"
4. "Why are You the Dumbest Douche this Side of Duluth?"
5. "Is that a Mirror in Your Pants?"
6. "Where's the Beef-Flavored Manischewitz?"
7. "How Do You Get a Donkey to Talk When Its Tongue is Halfway Up Your Ass?"
8. "If the Pipe Bomb Cigarettes' New Album, A Tree Falls in the Forest, Was Leaked onto the Internet, Would Anybody Hear It?"
9. "Doesn't this Song Remind You of 'Damaged I'?"
10. "If You Look Up the Word 'definition' in the Dictionary, What Does It Say?"
11. "Did the Drugs My Parents Took in College Have Something to Do with My Lousy Personality?"
12. "If the Sky was Made of Kites, Would We All Be Strings?"
13. "When Was the Last Time You Treated Me Right?"
14. "Where Were You On the Night of Natalee Holloway's Disappearance?"
15. "Who Was the First Person to Use a Tape Dispenser as a Sex Toy?"
16. "Can I Speak with Mr. Pippi Bomb Cigarettees?"
17. "Are You 18?"
18. "You Haven't Heard Funeral by Arcade Fire Yet?"
19. "Where Have You Been?"
20. "Do I Snore When I Drive?"
21. "Is this Fucking Album Over Yet?"

Post your lyrics in the comments. The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes are hereby granted all copyright permission and all the royalities will go to "us," forthwith. Whatever that all means.

Baby, We're Never Gonna Survive Unless We Get a Little Crazy

2006-03-22T08:44:00.000-06:00

Thanks, P. Kitty. Now that I'm a certified machinist, I'm reminded of all those great, sleepless nights, working on PEHOCAC, getting pissy because I was trying to disavow my failures in all those Miss Husky pageants by adopting the metabolism of a Des Moines, Iowa crystal meth addict. Greater Hartford ... ha. More like Lesser Hartford if you ask me.

Current events time:
I'm beginning to think that Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park, are on the exact same wavelength as yours truly. They "blame" Canada. According to the Independent, the Canadians are at it again. Not only did they beat us at baseball, now they're going clubbing ... for baby seals that is.

I never thought I'd say this, but maybe the Canadians are right. Sure, baby seals are cute. But boy are they mean. They always leave the toilet seat up. They never return phone calls. If you ever have sex with one of them, they are completely selfish and you'll never hear from them again. They'll burn you, and yes, that is a double entendre. If they have children that they actually parent, they chose favorites. "Oh yeah, Sarah's the bright one. Johnny's a dunderheaded fool. He'll probably grow up to be a pot dealer." Not only that, but I think baby seals were co-conspirators in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. You realize how crazy this is right? Who in their right mind would club one of these cute critters to death? "Blame Canada."

Also, if you've been following the story, Parker and Stone have gotten themselves in trouble with the Scientologists. I don't know where this will go yet, but Turtledaub and I were convinced by a very charismatic Scientologist that being a "hipster" was hazardous to our health. So we decided to take classes to rid us of our hipster ways. I started wearing Donna Karan and Turtledaub was listening to Paris Hilton and refrained from making ironic comments. Then we ran out of money for the classes because my machinist coursework was over (I did get my certificate, folks) and my stipend was suspended. Apparently our tone scales were below zero so we needed lots of help. Wow, what're the fucking odds? Needless to say, we've relapsed, thanks to a compelling argument on a recent episode of South Park which mocks L. Ron Hubbard's theology (and the sexuality of Tom Cruise).

Memories

2006-03-17T16:33:00.000-06:00

All the reminiscing on the blog of late has gotten me think back to my days as a DOJ prosecutor (read my personal profile). I know that legal issues can get as dry as a mormon saloon, but sometimes it's still worth reminding lawyers what a bunch of nitwits they are. Frankly, some of them are no better than Adam Sandler's Billy Madison character.

Congratulations Holly

2006-03-13T14:31:00.000-06:00

I would like to offer my sincere congratulations to Holly, who today became an ASE-certified machinist. Her years or hard work have paid off. Some people might say it's a second prize, after she failed to make the top three in any of the 1986-1998 greater Hartford "Miss Husky" pageants. But I'm not one of those people. I think this is an achievement unto itself. Just like Wade Boggs entering the baseball hall of fame.

And it also reminds me of some great Possible Elitists High on Coffee and Cloves moments from the last year, like when Holly introduced the world to MEAT. I think there were some readers who thought she was pandering to her audience on the same scale as when the Cosby show introduced little Olivia to bolster ratings in season six. Again, I'm not one of those critics. Because it was only two episodes later that Vanessa went to a party with Denise and got drunk. And, likewise, only two posts after introducing MEAT, Holly bravely went on record to point out how Gus Van Sant's career has now entered the toilet zone.

Rocks Off

2006-03-06T16:33:00.000-06:00

In years past, I've been generally disappointed with the Academy Awards' selections. But this year, I've turned a new, PaperCat-ian leaf, and now have major disdain for the show ... which is nothing more than the Grammys of film. I'm sure you would all agree with me that I should be a gambler. I got all the major categories right ... hey, the supporting role ones don't really count, do they? And why didn't Asia Argento win? I just don't get it. I should've taken the Bard's advice and drank some PBR to make all the bullshit go down easier. That reminds me of the lesbian dates I went on with Ann Coulter. Those encounters are the basis for Lightning Bolt's Hypermagic Mountain -- ___ bless their souls.

In the meantime, I'll give a shoutout to Mick Taylor ... the best non-Keef guitarist the Stones ever had. Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out (1970). Sticky Fingers (1971). Exile on Main Street (1972). Need I say more? The Cat prefers Brian Jones just because he looks like Rodney Bingenheimer. Your loss. Look at the picture below.

Yeah. Now Holly is leaving to bombproof her horse.

Memories

2006-02-28T21:08:00.000-06:00

First things first: Holly Go-Heavily is a security risk, apparently. My association with Henry Rollins has made me a wanted woman. He has sent me messages.

In other news, this week marks the one year anniversary of Possible Elitists High on Coffee and Cloves. Over the next seven months, the Cat and I will reminisce over some of our fondest entries together.

Right now, only two memories from the past year immediately come to mind: watching Cliff Huxtable give birth to a hoagie in an episode of The Cosby Show on Nick at Nite, and remembering that one week where the guy formerly of the Libertines was NOT arrested for heroin possession.

Turtledaub chimed in, and said this was the best pictorial we posted since last February.

Index of blogging freedom

2006-02-24T21:16:00.000-06:00

Some loyal readers may have heard of the global outrage regarding Muhammad cartoons originally published in Denmark. PEHOCAC has not been immune from its share of controversy. Why, it was no more than a few months ago that a public uproar emerged over the now-enfamous "Billy, Don't Be a Hero" post, where Holly claimed to look like the prophet. There were--understandably--calls for Holly to be forcibly restrained and subjected to an entire Celine Dion concert so that Holly might better understand the prophet's lyrics and vocal phrasings.

I think you'll agree that this is a national security issue of the highest order. I mean, while we're on the topic, Morrissey is clearly not a terrorist. What are a bunch of mopey kids listening to "How Soon Is Now?" on their Walkmans going to do about anything? But I for one am glad that the Australians finally got their hands on a real terrorist: Henry Rollins.

Panic on the Streets of London

2006-02-23T11:05:00.000-06:00

All because of this guy.

How dumb does the US (and British) government have to be? Your Holly here is no butchie thang, but Morrissey--Mr. ummm Death of a Disco Dancer himself--is about as threatening as pumpernickel bread. I mean, check out the lyrics of "Sweet and Tender Hooligan":

He was a sweet and tender hooligan
I, Morrissey, told him to join Al-Qaeda again
And of course he will
because I threatened to suicide bomb his ass if he didn't

Poor old man
He had an accident with a vial of anthrax
But that's OK
He wasn't happy with those infidels anyway
Poor woman
Strangled by me, Morrissey, as she read
Follow me now Morrissey fans, it's OK
Because even if I don't kill 'em,
they're gonna die anyway on the next 9/11, planned by me

See what I mean, folks. There's nothing in the lyrics of that song, or any other Smiths/Morrissey tune, that could possibly lead any government official to the conclusion that Morrissey is the next Muqtada as-Sadr. Their probably harrassing him because they don't like the direction his solo career has taken. [It was reported elsewhere that one of the "quiz" questions asked by the FBI was: "Why does your music suck so bad since you left the Smiths?"]

McJob

2006-02-16T10:30:00.000-06:00

Holly might be in the wrong profession. Getting $$ to bitch on a blog is one thing. Predicting at least one of the correct Super Bowl scores (Seattle's 10 points) and the winner (Pittsburgh -- and yeah, I know, I had Seattle beating the four point spread), I have also been on record predicting that Crash (2004) would win the Oscar for best film, not Brokeback Mountain. I've never even seen Crash (nor am I compelled to), but it's got that kinda hype. Maybe I should be a gambler? On second thought, that's probably not a good idea. I'm a pessimist.

You Can Tell By the Way She Smiles

2006-02-15T16:18:00.000-06:00

The Potato Pistols are a go! quickly working on our first single "E.M.Idaho" and "Spud-Mission." Things got off to a slow start because somebody (Paper Cat, ahem) didn't tape the kitty-cat halftime show during Puppy Bowl II, and our drummer, Paul Cook-me-some-Potatoes, showed up to the session high on powdered mash.

Now, allow me to wax paranoid.

This summer, non-paranoid conspiracy theorists and gullible folks who think Dan Brown novels are factual will await the release of Opie's surefire blockbuster The Da Vinci Code (2006).

For the record, Holly Go-Heavily has not read the book and has no interest in reading it. If I want to read books about worldwide conspiracies, I'll stick to the classics: Ishmael Reed's Mumbo Jumbo (1972), Thomas Pynchon's The Crying of Lot 49 (1966) and Gravity's Rainbow (1974), Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum (1989), Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson's The Illuminatus! Trilogy (1984) or even Candace Bushnell's Sex and the City (1997).

But Holly does find it funny that Brown's book has created a firestorm of controversy, with a spate of books trying to "debunk" it. Brown (conspiracy theory time) must be in collusion with these writers who feel that the book is blasphemous because of its disclaimer on the first page claiming that everything in the book is based on fact. Before the words appear, there is a keyword that debunks the whole thing. That word: NOVEL. The cover of the book reads: THE DA VINCI CODE: A NOVEL. Those words are on the cover, people. According to dictionary.com, a novel is "a fictional prose narrative of considerable length, typically having a plot that is unfolded by the actions, speech, and thoughts of the characters." If you need more help with that word, FICTION is "an imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but has been invented." When Dan Brown tells his readers that the events in the NOVEL are based on fact, THAT IS FICTION. Holly doesn't usually like to berate her potential readers, but how stupid do you have to be to believe that The Da Vinci Code is real? Pardon my rudeness, people, but come on.

As the ultra-hip Turtledaub refreshingly told me, "The Da Vinci Code ... what's that? I don't own a television."

I'm in.

2006-02-07T13:18:00.000-06:00

I can be Sid. I'll wear a raw potato around my neck.

I'm really stoked these days. It's not because the Steelers won the superbowl. No, it's because I got to watch Puppy Bowl II instead. But I'm a little concerned that Danny is leading the polls for most valuable puppy. I'm thinking the polls might have been rigged.

Mashed Potato Time

2006-02-04T09:37:00.000-06:00

Things between us here at Possible Elitists High on Coffee and Cloves have been a little tense lately. Also, the Pipe Bomb Cigarettes are on hiatus. After recording a twelfth take of the 19-minute supertrack "How Do You Congratulate Robots for Performing Shockingly Mundane Tasks?" failed to live up to my expectations, I had a bit of a breakdown. So, to get things back on the right track, I have the following proposition for the Cat: We should form a duo called the Potato Pistols. You can be Sid Vichyssoise and I'll be Johnny Au Gratin. What do you say?

This is Bob Dylan to Me

2006-01-31T09:19:00.000-06:00

I resent the Cat's comments of January the 26th.

This is a fucking corndog!

Now I'm hungry.

Going to the Crystal Ball

2006-01-31T08:56:00.000-06:00

It's that time of the year--Gamblin' time. Pull your Kenny Rogers records out of their their jackets and know when to hold 'em and all that shit. The Pittsburgh Steelers wins the Super Bowl in a 13-10 blowout. Most importantly, the nominations for the Always Disappointing Holly Awards, aka the Academy Awards, came out today. Therefore, ladies and germs, I'll ask for your patience as I sift through the major award categories--

Performance by an actor in a leading role
The award goes to: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
The award should really go to: Simon Baker, Land of the Dead

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
The award goes to: William Hurt, A History of Violence
The award should really go to: John Leguizamo, Land of the Dead

Performance by an actress in a leading role
The award goes to: Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
The award should really go to: Miranda July, Me and You and Everyone We Know

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
The award goes to: Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain
The award should really go to: Asia Argento, Land of the Dead

Achievement in directing
The award goes to: Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
The award should really go to: George A. Romero, Land of the Dead

Best motion picture of the year
The award goes to: Crash (in a surprise)
The award should really go to: Land of the Dead

As you can tell, one great film really got snubbed during this whole process. Oh well, better luck next year. And I predict George W. Bush will say "noo-que-lur" at least 8 times in tonight's State of the Union address. Anybody wanna bet on that?

History lesson part VIII

2006-01-26T11:43:00.000-06:00

Holly stretches the truth. She's a fucking corndog. Here's the real track listing for that mix CD:

1. D.'s Car Jam/Anxious Mo-Fo - Minutemen
2. Theatre Is the Life of You - Minutemen
3. Viet Nam - Minutemen
4. Cohesion - Minutemen
5. It's Expected I'm Gone - Minutemen
6. #1 Hit Song - Minutemen
7. Two Beads at the End - Minutemen
8. Do You Want New Wave or Do You Want the Truth? - Minutemen
9. Don't Look Now - Minutemen
10.Shit from an Old Notebook - Minutemen
11.Nature Without Man - Minutemen
12.One Reporters Opinion - Minutemen
13.Mike's Car Jam/Political Song for Michael Jackson to Sing - Minutemen
14.Maybe Partying Will Help - Minutemen
15.Toadies - Minutemen
16.Retreat - Minutemen
17.The Big Foist - Minutemen
18.God Bows to Math - Minutemen
19.Corona - Minutemen
20.The Glory of Man - Minutemen
21.Take 5, D. - Minutemen
22.My Heart and the Real World - Minutemen
23.History Lesson, Pt. II - Minutemen
24.George's Car Jam/You Need the Glory - Minutemen
25.The Roar of the Masses Could Be Farts - Minutemen
26.Mr. Robot's Holy Orders - Minutemen
27.West Germany - Minutemen
28.The Politics of Time - Minutemen
29.Themselves - Minutemen
30.Please Don't Be Gentle With Me - Minutemen
31.Nothing Indeed - Minutemen
32.No Exchange - Minutemen
33.There Ain't Shit on T.V. Tonight - Minutemen
34.This Ain't No Picnic - Minutemen
35.Spillage - Minutemen
36.Untitled Song for Latin America - Minutemen
37.Jesus and Tequila - Minutemen
38.June 16th - Minutemen
39.Storm in My House - Minutemen
40.Martin's Story - Minutemen
41.Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love - Minutemen
42.Doctor Wu - Minutemen
43.Little Man with a GUn in His Hand - Minutemen
44.The World According to Nouns - Minutemen
45.Love Dance/Three Car Jam - Minutemen

Anyone who thinks this is just the original Double Nickels On the Dime album by The Minutemen should shut it. No one asked you. There are a lot of rules to making a good mix CD, but since you don't talk about fight club I can't really go into it. Besides, all my mix CD tips were intercepted by NSA spies. :-(

Please Mr. Postman

2006-01-24T09:56:00.000-06:00

Holly here. That purrific tailswatter P. Kitty sent me a little present in the mail to celebrate the year that was 2005--the year of the rooster. It was a mix CD (!!), a variation on the mix-tape, a grand ol' way to communicate with friends without actually saying any of your words. Think of them as cover songs, but in epistolary form (PS: I couldn't use the phrase "cover letter," as that has some sort of serious professional meaning, apparently -- who knew?)

I love mix-CDs from friends. But this disc that the Cat sent me has no songs from 2005 on it, first of all. Second, check out the track listing, which, by the way, is totally incomplete. As you know, mix CD etiquette dictates that there must be at least 60 minutes worth of music -- otherwise you are being sent a message; i.e. you're not worthy of more than an hour of music. Here it is:

1. Black Flag, Damaged I
2. The Avengers, Fuck You
3. The Avengers, Fuck You
4. The Avengers, Fuck You
5. The Avengers, Fuck You
6. The Avengers, Fuck You
7. The Avengers, Fuck You
8. The Beatles, Leave My Kitten Alone
[then, the disc just stops with an incomplete version of:]
8 1/2. Chicks on Speed, Glamour Girl

Now, you know about my chronic--though not debilitating--paranoia. I have the sense that the Paper Cat intended this disc go to somebody else, some enemy, some ex-girlfriend, but not me. The only thing that could create any sort of bitterness between us lately is the fact that I didn't get him that Braun Handheld Mixer he put requested on his Kohl's Wedding Registry.

Fear is a Man's Best Friend

2006-01-20T09:17:00.000-06:00

Well, kiddies, I'm back from California. After tearing up the West Coast, I'm back to wreck shit up Mid-Atlantic-style. Beware, y'all.

A little known fact: Holly goes bananas for the defunct HBO series Six Feet Under. Easily the best thing ever produced in the medium of television, the compelling drama dealt intelligently with death, love and all those transitory moments in-between, and did so with the occasional in-joke or gallows humor.

But there has been one major side-effect from watching this show. Being a hypochondriac at heart, I have recently developed a number of phobias that have their basis in specific sequences from the show.

Phobia #1: Fear of being chopped in half by an elevator.

Phobia #2: Fear of smoking while driving a hearse.

Phobia #3: Fear of picking up hitchhikers.

Phobia #4: Fear of taking aspirin ... and that it might result in an unexpected (that's the scary part) Ecstasy trip.

Phobia #5: Fear of aspects of my life story being turned into somebody else's "performance art" [An aside: it has come to my attention that if I decide to do something stupid, like break the law or do something personally embarrassing, I should claim it to be "performance art." At least it was this guy's defense.]

As you can tell, I could keep going. The show has turned me into even more of a neurotic mess.

A no show

2006-01-03T22:18:00.000-06:00

I'll admit that the only movie on Holly's list that I've seen is Brokeback Mountain. It got a little better towards the end, but I found it dull. Then again, I've seen enough Fassbinder movies--like Fox and His Friends (1975)--to know what a good movie with gay people is like. But I suppose you could say Brokeback is a good soap opera if you haven't seen Same Time, Next Year (1978) before.

The only new movie I saw in 2005 that impressed me was Howl's Moving Castle. It's the best animated and the best children's film of the last 25 years at least. But the best movie I saw all year was certainly Pier Paolo Pasolini's The Hawks and the Sparrows (1966). Who knew a clown, a non-actor and a talking crow would make such a classic?

Mirror, Father, Mirror

2005-12-31T14:08:00.000-06:00

Holly gets total nipple boners for Ghost World's Josh, Brad Renfro, who just got busted trying to score heroin in the Skid Row section of Los Angeles. Meow!

Speaking of movies, it's Top Ten o' 2005 time, baby! I guarantee you this list'll be kitty litter for Paper Cat to go all-Dookie on.

10. The Aristocrats
--A great behind-the-scenes look at comedians at their most politically correct and scatalogical.
9. Jarhead
--The weakest Mendes film so far, but has some wonderful scenes and a new take on the war film genre (i.e. the "boredom" of contemporary warfare)
8. Syriana
--Makes the obvious points (big oil is corrupt, directly linked to terrorism, yadda yadda), but is fun soap opera.
7. Brokeback Mountain
--A heartbreaking film about falling in love at the wrong time ... and they're gay. Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are great.
6. Capote
--The Oscar goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman. Very good biopic about the making of Capote's masterpiece, In Cold Blood (1966).
5. No Direction Home: Bob Dylan
--Covers Dylan's best era with unprecendented access to the mystical mumbling liar himself.
4. Munich
--Suprisingly good effort from Spielberg, and, somehow, he keeps the cheese to a minimum in this examination of the stupidity of the marriage of churches and states. Paranoia hasn't been rendered so fulfilling in years.
3. Land of the Dead
--Great return to form from George Romero. Fun, fun, fun zombie killing excitement. Includes plenty of subtle jabs at the Bush administration and zombies, which is really just a way of saying that people are stupid. We do the same thing when we see fireworks :)
2. A History of Violence
--Wonderfully paced film about a man inhabiting two worlds--rural smalltown Americana and the urban underworld. Viggo Mortensen is convincing in both roles, and the transition between the two is seemless.
1. Me and You and Everyone We Know
--I'm googoo for this film.

Of course these kinds of lists are never complete at years' end because I do not have press-screening access to films that I'm dying to see like Malick's The New World and Woody Allen's Match Point. Also, since I, like most Americans, speak only one language, I've not been able to see many of the great foreign films that probably won't make it over here for another six months. If anybody has any recommendations, holla atcha Holly.

As you can tell, 2005 was not a very strong year for films. With the exception of Me and You, there was a crop of dependable, but hardly exciting films.

I'm already looking

2005-12-28T12:50:00.000-06:00

With my 2005 year-in-review music list already behind me, I'm already started on putting together a killer list for 2006. This year I want to find that perfect undiscovered band--one even better than this year's discovery of The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes and 2004's appearance Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti (a sort of R. Stevie Moore/Cody ChesnuTT/Jandek for kids who hang out in "retirement villages" just to find an authentic TV to use with their Atari). There certainly have been some incredible jems unearthed in the past.

No, the image above is a shot of an album you might remember from Enid's garage sale in Ghost World (2001). I don't even think it's a real album. But I'm seeting my sights on finding an album of the same caliber for 2006. Loyal readers, unite! Together we can make this happen.

Holly you ignorant slut

2005-12-27T20:28:00.000-06:00

It's taken me a few days, but I NEEDED to respond to your year-end list Holly. I wanted to point out what a whinny fuck Devendra Banhart is, but then I remembered everybody knows that already. I also wanted to pat Sleater-Kinney on the back for unleashing the best album of their career on an unsuspecting 2005.

I wish I had that Lightning Bolt album to listen to and render* my opinion, Holly. It's on my wish list. Santa didn't bring me a copy this year. All I got was a lump of coal with a note attached: "This is what I give all the cold-blooded bastards of the world, you hipster douchebag. -Santa P.S. - you don't even write for pitchforkmedia.com like all the other douchebags of the world. louser." Yeah, that's right! Santa can't spell. That's should come as no surprise. But what will surprise Santa is the copyright infringement lawsuit waiting for him the next time he enters U.S. airspace. I took the liberty of reporting Santa to the RIAA. Ever wonder how Santa got all those CDs to give away for free? Well, lets just say that Santa will think twice about downloading any of that music next year.

*as used herein, the term "render" does not involve secret transport of persons unilaterally designated "terrorists"

He will be missed but not mentioned on network news

2005-12-27T20:12:00.000-06:00

Unconfirmed rumor has it that Derek Bailey, improvisational guitarist, has passed away in Spain on Dec. 25, 2005. He will be missed by his dedicated fans around the globe. He will certainly be missed the most by the editors of The Wire magazine, who will be losing the subject of about 46.7% of their content. They will be able to get a whole tribute issue out of Bailey's passing, but will then have to scramble to find someone else to write about in every single issue thereafter. Oh, and by the way, don't you dare call him a "jazz guitarist". That's an American idiom. What Europeans play mearely sounds the same and evolved out of the same style, but it has a different name so it's of course something different entirely.

Twapp. shar-sharggg. Twum thwum thumm,,, Twapp. bu-du-daoomm.

I Just Switched to Sanka ... Have a Heart

2005-12-27T09:42:00.000-06:00

One of Holly's favorite films, Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982), was just added to the National Film Registry, a collection of films being preserved by the Library of Congress. Awesome, totally awesome.

In sadder Fast Times-related news, Vincent Schiavelli--aka the biology teacher Mr. Vargas--died of lung cancer on December 26th. He was 57. He also had a part in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975).

Strange trivia tidbit: in Fast Times, during the prom sequence at the end of the film, Mr. Vargas' wife, a tall, voluptuous blond who should NOT be with him at all (hence the humor of the scene), was played by the B-movie actress Lana Clarkson. Clarkson is the woman who batshitpsycho producer Phil Spector shot. Sadly, both Vargases met their ends all too soon :(

Way to go Hamilton.

The Coal Miner's Daughter

2005-12-25T01:05:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday to our favorite menstrual minstrel here at Possible Elitists High on Coffee and Cloves: Sissy Spacek! Today we rest to celebrate your 55 years on this Mortal Coil. As we unwrap presents and slothfully indulge in pagan rituals at your expense, we will also be merry and drink a margarita for Jimmy Buffett and get sexy with the white Sade, Dido, who both share the same birthday as our Immortal Pinky Rose.

Year 1

2005-12-22T10:09:00.000-06:00

Everybody knows (yeah, I just sniffed out that Leonard Cohen reference) about Holly Go-Heavily's great taste in music. That is why I am proud to let you in on my favorite albums of 2005:

1. Lightning Bolt, Hypermagic Mountain
--This math-rock unit is sick, and their new album sounds how Husker Du's New Day Rising might sound if it was fed a 50 pound rock of crack.
2. Sleater-Kinney, The Woods
--Here, the grrrls get the Led out. "Let's Call it Love" and "Night Light" form the deadliest two-song combo in their arsenal.
3. Kelly Clarkson, Breakaway
--My friend British Matt likes this, so it must be good. Her big hit, the Strokes-lite "Since U Been Gone," is not to be confused with the Head East hit from '78.
4. Devendra Banhart, Cripple Crow
--Imagine Donovan raping Tiny Tim and you have this wondrous piece of musical afterbirth.
5. Curtis Mayfield, Curtis
--Sure, Curtis is dead. But this album is one of the best just about any year. As tribute, Kanye West samples "Move on Up" on "Touch the Sky" from this year's 8th best album, Late Registration.

Honorable mention:
The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes, Postcards are Hard to Swallow Whole, Even if You Have No Gag Reflex
--The 1st of two PBC records released in 2005, with tunes so catchy they'll suck out yer soul, the power of this release cannot be denied. With songs like "Eating Tacos for an As-of-yet-Unnamed Charity Contest," "Guy on a Cell Phone in His '58 Buick Riviera," "Onion Fun," "Ron Mexico's Real Reason for Icesledding" and "To Know Her is to Love Her Museum of Jesus Candles," you'll wonder why you went to work this morning.

Dance turkey

2005-12-22T08:57:00.000-06:00

Holly, I couldn't agree more with Iran's current president. Western music sucks...at least, most of it. But I know there has been some good music out there. Here are my picks for the best of 2005:

1. M.I.A. - Arular
2. The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes - Too Much Love
3. Ashlee Simpson - I Am Me
4. Bing Crosby - Merry Christmas [EP]
5. Sleater-Kinney - The Woods

Some of you may object to my list. "Bing Crosby is dead," you say. Well, all you haters need to chill. Or maybe I'll get the president of Iran on your case.

I'm Never Gonna Dance Again

2005-12-19T16:50:00.000-06:00

Okay, it's war.

The headline reads: IRAN'S PRESIDENT BANS WESTERN MUSIC

Now, I'm a big fan of Hank Williams and Marty Robbins. So any country--represented, of course, by their president--that would willingly ban these great tunes is obviously in need of a militaristic ass-whuppin'.

But, upon further consideration, after reading Nasser Karimi's report, maybe they're on to something. The headline is misleading: they mean music from "the West," not Western music (sorry, Holly was attempting to be funny). The headline should read: IRAN'S PRESIDENT HAS SURPRISINGLY GOOD TASTE.

Karimi writes, "Songs such as George Michael's 'Careless Whisper,' Eric Clapton's 'Rush' and the Eagles' 'Hotel California' have regularly accompanied Iranian broadcasts, as do tunes by saxophonist Kenny G." No wonder Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hates the West so much. Those songs do suck stinky hog cock. And, by the way, Ahmadinejad's also a crazy little fuck.

Is it Something I Said?

2005-12-11T10:19:00.000-06:00

You will be missed.

"I always remember to keep some sunshine on my face."
--Richard Pryor, Pryor Convictions (1995)

John, I'm Only Dancing

2005-12-08T09:27:00.000-06:00

Possible Elitists High on Coffee and Cloves will pour out 25 40's for our main homey Dr. Winston O'Boogie, who was taken away from us twenty-five years ago today.

"Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it just to reach you"--"Julia," The Beatles, 1968.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2005-12-03T09:48:00.000-06:00

...not. Sorry folks, but Holly is often referred to by people with --the spirit-- as a "bah humbug." Let's hear it for this dude:

I just can't too excited over blinking lights, a corpulent oaf dressed in red (who, by the way, thanks to the chimney clause--ha ha--can't give gifts to the kidz who live in apartments or condominiums), the pointlessly heated debates over whether to call it "the holidays" or "Jesus-po-diddly-pogo-sticking-Christ-mas," the family arguments, the bad music (if I hear "Little Drummer Boy" one more time in my life, I will take hostages), trimming the tree or the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future. I don't get it. Are we all babies?

Speaking of Christmas, it is also an excuse to make corny movies like It's a Wonderful Life (1946), A Christmas Story (1983) and any film with Tim Allen where he plays Santa Claus. Recently, I saw The Ice Harvest, which I figured would be good because it stars the next Jesus, Billy Bob Thornton, in a film that is advertised as a dark comedy set on Christmas (perhaps in the spirit of Bad Santa). You all know what a boner Holly has for Billy Bob.

Well, after seeing this film, I have decided to embark on another type of movie boycott. No longer shall I watch films that have both John Cusack AND Billy Bob in them. They were previously in the air traffic controller film Pushing Tin (1999), which sucked total ass and was only notable for a brief glimpse of Angelina Jolie's nipples. Now, The Ice Harvest, which is about as a good as a boil on your eyelid. Plodding storyline, uninteresting characters, weak motivations, etc. Instead, save that ten dollars towards a trip to RoboFrance 29.

Just What I Needed

2005-11-21T14:03:00.000-06:00

If it wasn't enough that our nation is run by a collection of human colostomy bags, now I find out that the Cars are reforming WITHOUT--yes, let me repeat myself--WITHOUT Ric Ocasek.

Now, not that Holly's the world's biggest fan of the Cars or anything, but they put out some great powerpoppunk songs back in the day: "Just What I Needed," "My Best Friend's Girl," "Shake it Up," "You Might Think" and the song that made Phoebe Cates the erotic fantasy of teenage boys during the 80s, "Moving in Stereo." According to Reuters, the Cars are reforming with original members Elliot Easton and Greg Hawkes. Their new frontman will be -- dig this -- Todd Rungdren. Runt has been dodgy over the years (anyone remember Utopia?), but he produced two of the finest one-man pop-rock albums of the 70s: Something/Anything? (1972) and A Wizard/A True Star (1973). "Hello It's Me" is probably the best bubblegum pop love song of the era.

But the Cars without Ric Ocasek is analagous to a boothill hanging without a rope. Sure, deceased bassist Ben Orr sang their most annoying hit, the ballad "Drive," from the Heartbeat City (1984) album. Ric Ocasek has apparently moved on to brighter prospects, most notably as the producer of Weezer's first album (1995).

No matter how talented Todd Rundgren is, this new Cars package doesn't deserve to leave the lot. Yeah, see what kind of bad puns this decision lowers Holly to? Normally I'm not so grumpy, but I'm about to leave the indie-bougie gentrified confines of DC's Columbia Heights neighborhood for a town called Mason City, Iowa. Long story. Maybe I'll hook up with Puff Katty when I'm at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport and we can get Turtledaub a souvenir shot glass!

Reelin' and Rockin'

2005-11-18T17:54:00.000-06:00

Welcome back, P. Kitty, from the land of Lost Wages, Nevada, all nuptialized wit yo bad self.

Holly rarely uses this forum as a means of politicking. But the fallout from the press conference held by John Murtha, the Democratic Congressman from Pennsylvania, has revealed the true colors of every single politician in the Beltway. It's as if Murtha is a beer, and every DC politico shotgunned 20 cans of it (tho, it ain't no PBR!). Here is what I have learned about the members of both of our major political parties here in the United States--

Which of the following parties engages in ad-hominem attacks as a means of effective debating?
The Republicans: check
The Democrats: check

Which of the following parties changes their attitudes about the war when public opinion polls go against their "core beliefs" in order to secure re-election in the next term?
The Republicans: check
The Democrats: check

As I write this, there is a vote on a quick Iraqi pullout plan. The AP's Liz Sidoti notes relays the following bits of information:

--Republican Duncan Hunter says, " This is not a stunt. This is not an attack on an individual. This is a legitimate question." [Right. Then why did this make it to the floor the day after Murtha's speech. Yeah, that's what I thought.]

--"Most Republicans oppose Murtha's call for withdrawal, and some Democrats also have been reluctant to back his position." [I wonder why democrats are reluctant? Is all that faulty pre-war intelligence they were suckered into buying during the leadup to the war because they betrayed their generally anti-war position so as not to alienate post-9/11 pro-war swing voters? Got me.]

--"The fiery, emotional debate climaxed when Rep. Jean Schmidt, R-Ohio, the most junior member of the House, told of a phone call she received from a Marine colonel. 'He asked me to send Congress a message — stay the course. He also asked me to send Congressman Murtha a message — that cowards cut and run, Marines never do,' Schmidt said." [I really love Jean Schmidt's careful packaging of the facts here to make her case for vetoing immediate troop withdrawal from Iraq. And just think, the people of Ohio voted her into office. My faith in our democracy is definitely in its ascendency!]

-- "You guys are pathetic. Pathetic," yelled Rep. Marty Meehan, D-Mass. [Hip-hip-hooray, Marty Meehan, my new hero. Finally, an honest politician!]

& now for some ad-hominy from Holly. While I think that Murtha has the right idea here, I am not surprised that most democrats, being the chicken shits that they are, are afraid to back him on this, and that most republicans, especially the ones with no military experience whatsover, resort to calling him a "coward." Good work. You manipulative, $$greedy$$, gloryhungry pieces of shit are the reason why half this country doesn't vote.

What America really needs is Chuck Norris.

I mean, hell, the guy's tears cure cancer!

Back from the dead

2005-11-17T17:35:00.000-06:00

Howdy all. I know it's been a while since I last rapped at you. But I'm finally back. I've spent the last few weeks doing what any upstanding hipster should be doing at this time of year: watching The Last Unicorn (1982) over and over and over again. And, of course, rocking out to the mellow sound of folk-rockers America while I do it.

Well, I've been doing that, and I got hitched. Yes, P. Kitty is officially off the market for good. I also got hitched at the same place Britney Spears, Michael Jordan, Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, and Mickey Rooney. You can read all about it at Ephemeral-Abeyance. Probably the most important thing you need to know about 'ol P. Kitty's weddin' day is that Elvis, The King, was in attendance. So that made things legit. That, and the fact that I was able to wear a classic Elvis, Aloha From Hawaii Via Satellite belt buckle to the ceremony.

It's a good thing I'm back too. I need to second that emotion about Gus Van Sandt. He is, like, totally a douche. Dude made like one or two decent movies (My Own Private Idaho being his hands-down best) and then might as well have withered up and died. I mean, I saw Elephant (2003) and was NOT impressed. It basically presents every obvious stereotype about high school kids, but for what reason I don't know. As boring as it was, I don't think it won any major awards. That surprised me. Being boring and predictable has always gotten Steven Spielberg places (oh, burn!).

In My Time of Dying

2005-11-14T11:35:00.000-06:00

Hurry up, people. When are y'all gonna die?

:)

Millions of Images

2005-11-09T11:28:00.000-06:00

Back in the dizzay, Holly used to brag to her friends about this up-and-coming director named Gus Van Sant. Director of at least four fine films--Midnight Cowboy (1989), My Own Private Idaho (1991), To Die For (1995) and his Academy Award winning megahit Good Will Hunting (1997)--Van Sant's movies were rich with dazzling cinematography, esoteric performances and gay themes that weren't the stereotypical Queer Eye dribble. He even made some cool music in collaboration with William S. Burroughs.

After Good Will Hunting, though, that all changed.

Holly has made a vow to never again watch one of his films.

"Why?" you ask.

Van Sant has now attempted to ruin two things I love: 1) Psycho, my favorite film; and, 2) Kurt Cobain, my imaginary husband when I was in high school.

His remake of Hitchcock's Psycho (1998) was a color-by-numbers exercise/exorcism if there ever was one. His casting is terrible (Vince Vaughan is awful as Norman Bates, and Anne Heche, who is awful in everything, is nauseating as Marion Crane), and he eliminates most of the subtext from the original. It is no longer a frightening piece of psychological drama--it is now a silly, awkward, fumbling melo-comedy.

Last week, I finally got around to watching Last Days (2005), Van Sant's interpretation of Kurt Cobain's last days before committing suicide in April 1994. Even without the allegorical connection to Cobain, this film is unwatchable. The main character, Blake (played by Michael Pitt), stumbles through the woods, mumbling, vomiting, then hides out at his mansion--and we don't really know who he's hiding from. His friends, at least they seem to be friends, are protecting him from some outside menace that is never identified. Blake is apparently a musician, but we can't really tell. Kim Gordon, bassist and vocalist from Sonic Youth, appears in the film as a character, and asks Blake, "Do you tell your daughter you've become a rock and roll cliche?" Wow. How deep. Blake doesn't really talk so much as mumble. You wonder how anybody could have been friends with this guy. Then he kills himself and we, as viewers, are supposed to care about him.

The fact that Cobain provided the template for this boring, pointless film has proven to be the final straw for Holly's cameled hunchback. Van Sant, who made Sean Connery laughingly say, "You're the man now, Dawg!" in Finding Forrester (2000), should now be considered among the ranks of failed directors like William Friedkin, Michael Cimino and George Lucas.

But what concerns me now more than this Van Sant douche is the disappearance of P. Kitty. Where's ma cat at these days? He just might've taken this serial dating thing a bit too far.

With the Radio On

2005-11-01T12:38:00.000-06:00

Holly just discovered a book that has changed her life. It is called Belle and Sebastian: Just a Modern Rock Story (2005). It is written by Paul Whitelaw, a music expert, Belle and Sebastian scholar, and Commander of the 9th German Artillery Squad currently stationed in Aruba.

Belle and Sebastian have moved mountains and brought hipsters together from all stripes--it has made Neu! fans out of people who swear by the genius of Richard & Linda Thompson's Shoot Out the Lights (1982). We all know how those two camps really despise each other.

Just look at the response to Whitelaw's epic. On amazon.com, customer "Kellette A. O'Connor" writes, "I got this as a gift for my boyfriend and he can't put it down. For any Belle and Sebastian fan, this is a treasure!" Truer words were never spoken.

Now if you don't know the story, Belle and Sebastian, aka Stuyvesant Belle and Hector Sebastian, were two young men who had a desire to bring their particularly twee brand of songcraft into every hipster home in the world. They accomplished this by using a clever mixture of retro-sounds, packaging, mysteriousness and brute, total strength. Also key to their sound and marketing strategy were their frequent trips to the red-light districts of San Bernardino, California where they did more crank, Ecstasy, and Crystal Drano than an army of cockroaches, expanding upon their irresistible blend of Hello Kitty cuteness and militaristic raw power. Whitelaw recounts each of these excusions in exquisite, sycophantic detail.

If I were you, and I'm not, I would purchase this book immediately. Unfortunately, I can't, because I just spent my money on an "irony purchase," Ashlee Simpson's new album, which boasts the greatest title in the history of recorded music: I Am Me.

Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

2005-10-24T14:40:00.000-05:00

Like the film in my subject heading, Paper Cat's previous post was indeed nightmarish--nightmarific--nightmaricrazy.

I just saw A History of Violence (2005), which was very good. When asked to describe it, I said, "It's like Ordinary People (1980) meets The Killer (1989)."

That gave me the idea for a new game: let's call it MEAT. The object is to describe a film by comparing it to two previous films. Ideally the best answers combine two films that seem very different from each other, but somehow result in a very good description of the movie (like the example above -- allow Holly to pet herself on the back, and to eat a can of Vienna sausages thank you very much ...). Also, if film just doesn't cut it, then you can make reference to other comparisons, like Babe (1995) is Animal Farm (1954) meets Teddy Ruxpin.

So, I'll try five of these:

1) Taxi Driver (1976):
--Marty (1954) meets The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
2) The Constant Gardner (2005):
--The Interpreter (2005) meets Batman Begins (2005)
3) Faces of Death (1978):
--Basket Case (1982) meets every boy I knew in Junior High
4) The Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers (2002):
--Willow (1988) meets a big steaming pile of horseshit (2005)
5) Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003):
--Soldier (1998) meets The Blues Brothers (1980)

Have fun. I'm thinking about planning a 50s comedy-duo night. First up: Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man (1951). Any of y'all wanna come over?

Nightmare on my street

2005-10-19T17:53:00.000-05:00

What a nightmare I had! I was the Emperor of The World--a typical dream. Things were going well. Hipsterdom reigned supreme, the lovely sounds of The Pipe Bomb Cigarettes filled the radio waves, and I was diggin' it. Yeah! But then things took a turn. Someone came along and combed my carefully dishevled hair. I was powerless (I think there might be biblical symbolism somewhere here). Then, I got a parking ticket; sovereign immunity right sent right out the tailpipe likea puff of noxious fumes.

Then I had to watch 10 hours of G.G. Allin videos, held in front of a screen by some unseen and unnamed force. This was not a good dream. I was totally flustered when I finally woke up. That made it hard to review the newest Devendra Banhart album for a local weekly music rag. I couldn't stop wishing he still sounded like he did when I was young...like last year. I know that some people don't consider that a valid way of looking at things. But I think those people need to get with the program, so to speak. Like there is any other way of looking at things!

Next post: why Sweden is the best country on the planet, relatively speaking, and whether sliced franks really belong in spaghetti-o's.

Love Sick

2005-10-18T13:05:00.000-05:00

Lately, it seems as if all of Holly's hip friends have been falling in love and getting married. Seriously. I'm not saying this out of jealousy or spite. I'm quite proud of all my friends; that they were able to find the right person, fall in love, and take that next giant leap into adulthood.

What concerns me most is that my people are passing me by. What happened to the days of jaded hipster love? Remember, back in the day, when Douglas Coupland's novel Generation X (1991) came out? In it, a character says, "Don't worry, Mother ... If the marriage doesn't work out, we can always get divorced." For many of my (younger) friends today, divorce is simply not an option. It's as if they are all reading a Bible other than the Hipster Bible, aka The Hipster Handbook (1996) by Robert Lanham/God.

Holly has a sweet tooth, and thinks it's sweet when her friends get married. But enough's enough. Admittedly, Holly is a tradionalist. Therefore, Holly doesn't want to hear any more Belle and Sebastian, Joanne Newsom or Sufjan Stevens songs during the processional. Whatever happened to Bach, Chopin or "Here, There and Everywhere"? ... and no more ironic first dance songs like Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" (1980) or Talk Talk's "It's My Life" (1984). Lastly, the bride and groom's Vespa with the recycled coffee cups dragging off the rear fender on the way to the reception ... lame-o. What happened to that ol skool feminist dismissal of weddings because they were ceremonies purposefully constructed by grubby capitalists to reinforce the power of the patriarchy (thereby giving value to what was once meaningless fornication)? Oh well ... all good things must come to an end, I suppose.

So where's my love? It didn't work out with Ann Coulter, who, according to googlism.com, is "our first choice for maximum penetration and performance." You would think somebody would wanna be all up in a lady who is a hot amateur model into voyeurism and has a voice like snow. Speaking of which, the Pipe Bomb Cigarettes are flourishing. Holly just finished writing a song called "Bono Gets Emotional for Me and You." True, ain't it?

Gizzogle pt. II

2005-10-17T21:02:00.000-05:00

Thanks to a certain website called www.googlism.com, I have learned quite a few things about Holly today:

holly is very susceptible to fungus stains

holly is a hot amateur adult model who enjoys voyeurism

holly is believed to frighten off witches and protect the home from thunder and lightning

holly is a goddess with a voice like snow

And Holly, as a message to you (Rudy), I want you to stop your messing around and think of your future. Get a job. Googlisms has some advice for that perennial interview question: "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"

holly is a broadleaf evergreen

holly is a tree of many surprises

You can only imagine what googlism has to say about our friend Ann Coulter. Well, don't wonder too long. Follow this link.

A call to all photoshoppers

2005-10-10T14:14:00.000-05:00

Introducing the newest Blues Brother: "W". "W", of course, is the President of the United States of Amerikkka. What's intersting is that he told Palestinian and Egyptian officials that he invaded Iraq (or I should say, he sent the children of low-income familes to invade Iraq) because "I'm driven with a mission from god." This reminded me that Turtledaub isn't the only person I know who wears a black suit, black tie and black hat all the time. The Blues Brothers (1980) featured characters "Joliet" Jake and Elwood Blues, dressed like Turtledaub, on a "mission from god".

Can we can any photoshoppers on this STAT?

And this also gives me the chance to shout out to Blues Brothers director John Landis, who also gave us 1980s classics like Trading Places (1983) and ¡Three Amigos! (1986). And that isn't even mentioning Kentucky Fried Movie (1977), which I'm sure is a favorite of one Holly Go-Heavily.

The Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place

2005-10-10T10:13:00.000-05:00

According to Wednesday's Child, and some new-fangled technology called Site Meter, she learned the following bit of information:

Folks, this is the whole reason I put a Site Meter up on my blog:It enabled me to see that someone out there did a Yahoo search for 'Dogs with explosive diarrhea' and found my blog. Sweet, sweet fate, how I love thee.

But it turns out that a rash of recent natural disasters might be leading indicators suggesting a different type of fate ... for us all:

http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=46737

Simply put, you cannot argue with that logic. Why does He send these messages to Pat Robertson first? It's as if He is on a mission for Us, to "start a whole new era." Who knew that He was a rapper from the streets?

In lighter news (forgive the foreshadowy pun), I am pleased to report that our blog is the only site that comes up when doing an exact phrase search for the Pipe Bomb Cigarettes. That's right! The band name is all mine!

Sorry to disappoint those of you who, after reading through my thorough baseball predictions, thought this blog would be devoted to relationships vis-a-vis the hipster. My mope-y boy Turtledaub just ended a six-month romance with a woman who cheated on him. Not wishing to re-open old wounds, I decided to put that off until the next entry. Get better soon, Turtledaub. The next round's on Possible Elitists!

The Mt. Everest of trucking

2005-10-07T16:59:00.000-05:00

I want to talk about something that isn't often talked about. Something nobody wants to talk about. But it's something that needs to be said. I want to talk about truckers who drive over frozen lakes in northern Canada to deliver mining equipment needed to extract uranium yellowcake so that countries like the USA can build nuclear bombs. According to The History Channel, this is "the Mt. Everest of trucking." I suggest applying for a job there immediately.

I think I'll give it a try. It may mean giving up my dream home, but it should be worth it for the trucker hats alone. Think of it! I will be so far past hipster irony when I'm actually becoming a trucker for the sake of wearing the hats without irony. That's meta-irony for you.

I'm Ready to Play

2005-10-04T10:50:00.000-05:00

As you all know by now, Holly is a giant slut for Major League Baseball. Well, it's time for Holly to dole out the post-season Awards:

American League
MVP:
1. Alex Rodriguez, 3B, New York Yankees
--(48 HR, 130 RBI, .322 BA) Not only does he produce big numbers and big hits for the underachieving New York Yankees, he actually plays in the field, and gold-glove quality at that! Take that David Ortiz.
2. David Ortiz, DH, Boston Red Sox
--(47 HR, 148 RBI, .300 BA) Easily the best clutch hitter of the last five years. He's actually had bigger numbers than the "best player" on the Sox, Manny Ramirez, over the past two seasons.
3. Manny Ramirez, OF, Boston Red Sox
--(45 HR, 144 RBI, .292 BA) Every year, Manny is an RBI machine. This year, his batting average was down, but he was clutch during the last week of the season. Ortiz and Ramirez might cancel each other out in the MVP voting. That's why I'm sticking by A-Rod.

Cy Young
1.Mariano Rivera, New York Yankees
--(7-4, 1.38 ERA, 80 Ks, 43 saves) The anchor of a questionable New York Yankees pitching staff, Rivera, once again, shows why he's a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame.
2.Randy Johnson, New York Yankees
--(17-8, 3.79 ERA, 211 Ks) You're probably thinking I'm a Yankees fan. I'm not. St. Louis Cardinals, baby. But Johnson picked it up when it mattered. He also ended up second in the AL in strikeouts and fourth in wins.

Rookie of the Year
Who cares? Ever since Ichiro and Albert Pujols won the award in 2001, this has been a dud category. Worthy of consideration: Huston Street (P, Oakland Athletics), Robinson Cano (2B, New York Yankees), Johnny Gomes (OF, Tampa Bay Devil Rays).

National League
MVP:
1.Andruw Jones, OF, Atlanta Braves
--(51 HR, 128 RBI, .262 BA) Not only is he the best outfielder in the game, he carried the young Braves team through the summer months when Chipper Jones was injured. The first man with 50 homers since A-Rod and Jim Thome in 2002, the only thing that might keep him from winning the award is the low batting average and the next guy on the list ...
2.Albert Pujols, 1B, St. Louis Cardinals
--(41 HR, 117 RBI, .330 BA) Pujols is the best player on the best team in baseball. And once again, it looks like he won't win the MVP award. Just think, this is a typical year for Pujols ... except, this year, he decided to add speed to his game (he stole 16 bases, doubling his career total) and actually play gold-glove-caliber defense. But the best defensive first-baseman, who actually had better stats this year, was the next guy on the list ...
3.Derek Lee, 1B, Chicago Cubs
--(46 HR, 107 RBI, .335 BA) Lee lead the majors in batting average, producing career high numbers in every major category. Too bad he played for the limp Chicago Cubs.

Cy Young:
1.Chris Carpenter, St. Louis Cardinals

--(21-5, 2.83 ERA, 213 Ks) The best pitcher on the best pitching staff in baseball (see comments for Pujols). Sure, he slipped a little at the end of the year, but so what. This breakthrough season by Carpenter should be rewarded.
2.Dontrelle Willis, Florida Marlins
--(22-10, 2.63 ERA, 170Ks) Willis also had a breakthrough season, and was tough down the stretch. He might get some extra votes because of his hitting ... but this award is not about hitting, is it? Both of these picks owe apologies to the future Hall of Famer Roger Clemens, who, at the age of 43, posted a career low ERA, but got no run support from the Astros all season.

Rookie of the Year:
Who cares? Up for considertion: the clutch-power hitting of Ryan Howard (1B, Philadelphia Phillies). Jeff Francoeur will also be mentioned, but he faded near the end of the season.

Other Awards:
Steroid Infraction of the Year Award: Ryan Franklin, and, oh yeah, Rafael Palmeiro
The Adrian Beltre Award (for freakishly great year that will never be repeated): Brian Roberts
Who's Really, Still, the Greatest Player in the Game (aka the "Way Past Their Prime Award"): Greg Maddux

Holly's seriously flawed post-season predictions:
St. Louis vs. San Diego: St. Louis
Houston vs. Atlanta: Atlanta
New York vs. Los Angeles Angels: Los Angeles
Chicago White Sox vs. Boston: Chicago

Therefore:
St. Louis vs. Atlanta: St. Louis
Chicago vs. Los Angeles: Chicago

Which means:
St. Louis sweeps the World Series, avenging last years loss by the Boston Red Sox, while the White Sox continue their 1221412346 year World Series title drought.

I promise, folks. Holly's next blog post will return to a topic held dear by all hipsters: relationships.

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

2005-09-30T12:29:00.000-05:00

Over the last month, there has been a whirlwind of benefit concerts for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Most of these benefits (with the exception of Kanye West's anti-Bush "outburst"), especially the ones telecast on multiple television networks simultaneously, have been dull as a butterknife.

Holly knows--KNOWS--what Americans want, and it's not lightly rehearsed radio-friendly fare by artists who were popular during the Reagan/Thatcher years. You know what Americans want? And being the progressive feminist that I am, I do: titties!

Americans cannot get enough of these things, real or fake, young or old. We love tits. Who wudda thunk that so many hipsters and non-hipsters alike would be overwhelmingly mesmerized by two milk-producing mounds of fatty tissue?

According to CNN, Joe Francis, founder of Girls Gone Wild, is donating 100 percent of the proceeds of a Girls Gone Wild triple-DVD pack to the Red Cross for Hurricane Katrina relief. What a heart-warming story of generosity, strength, perserverance, and doggy-style. Mr. Francis should up the ante. Now that he can no longer exploit the borderline-pedophilic alcohol-induced exhibitionism encouraged at New Orleans' Mardi Gras celebrations without just a hint of sadness over what happened there in August, 2005, he should sweet-talk sorority sisters who "want to make a difference" into FLASHING FOR OUR FUTURE. I'm sure many more people would rather see out of focus female breasts for 0.118 seconds than listen to some old geezers like The Scorpions singing "Winds of Change" sans irony, not realizing that it was precisely "winds of change" that totally fucked New Orleans.

Boys, you can play your part as well. Encourage the makers of Guys Gone Wild to get on the ball (wah wah wah), make a new film pronto and to donate those vast financial earnings to the Red Cross. Show off your junk for the hurricane victims. I mean, Americans just can't get enough cock. (BAD JOKE ALERT: They already get enough Bush.) Also, I'm sure the Hurricane Katrina fund could use the extra $129 that will be earned from the sales of that DVD. (Maybe that money could be used to call up Brian Wilson to see what he knows about the Yakuza!)

Double standards? You bet. I told you I know what Americans want!